Making Peace Within

In order to create peace in our world we must create peace within ourselves. That is easier said than done, of course. We live in a culture of hurry and compete and blame and anger and hate and . . Well you know. The secret, of course, is to identify our needs and how those are being met.

But the first thing we can do is to cultivate compassion for ourselves. We've been raised to be self-critical, to measure our worth against that of others, to please others instead of ourselves. So take some time to listen to your self-talk. That can tell us how we are treating the inner self.

When you come up against your own limitations, do you value yourself less? Do you lose respect for yourself because you aren't "more"? Or can you accept that everyone has limitations, that you can make a mistake and use that as a learning experience? What do you say to yourself - or sometimes to others about yourself - when you make a  mistake? Do you make yourself feel guilt or shame rather than step back and look at the experience objectively? How can you be more compassionate toward yourself? Listen to what you tell yourself and imagine someone saying the same thing to your child to shame them. You don't want them talking to your child that way so don't talk to yourself that way.

How often do you judge yourself as "good" or "bad."? And how do you feel when you do it. Do you ever hear yourself saying "I'm a bad parent/friend/spouse" because of some behavior. Look behind that judgement to discover what need wasn't being met by the behavior. Then you can go to the root of the behavior and change it with something that meets your needs. Maybe you "blew up" at your spouse and decide you did it because you are a bad spouse. Instead, identify the need you had that wasn't being met. Perhaps you need help with some chore and transferred that into hurt, anger, or frustration. Acknowledge your need and let yourself express it more clearly. and with less anger.

So you blew up. You feel bad that you did that. Mourn that regret without blame or guilt. There was a good reason that you did it - your need. You have learned from the experience. Let it go and move on.

Don't should on yourself! The word "should" creates unnecessary pain. If you must make a statement like that, exchange the word "should" for "it would be better if". 

"Let us be glad of the dignity of our privilege to make mistakes,glad of the wisdom that enables us to recognize them, glad of the power that permits us the power to turn their light as a glowing illumination long the pathway of our future. Mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom. Without them there would be no individual growth , no progress, not conquest.

---William Jordan

Above all, make peace with past "failures". Mourn them and let them go. Value them for what you learned. Make room inside you for what is joyful and alive. You may have to clean out all those old hurts and guilt and shame to make room for inner peace. And it is worth doing.

Judgement = Separation

Self-judgement, the powerful weapon of the war against the self, is the most common habit of separation. It is impossible to be judgmental of yourself without being judgmental of others. To place yourself as less than others implies that there are then others who are less than you, because "at least there is someone" you are better than.

Judgement  implies  a moral judgement, assigning "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad" to a person. Listen for the "should" in your appraisal. "Should" usually implies that kind of judgement of yourself or an other.

Judgement is separation. Your set yourself apart from others, you see yourself as different. Either you or others are right or wrong, good or bad. Compassion, however, puts you in the other's shoes without the differences.You see the world through the other's eyes and experience a sameness, a connection.

Judgement toward others shows our lack of understanding, not a fundamental difference at our core. In the exact situation with the identical world view and conditions, we would most probably make the same choices.

The way to change the behavior choices is to change the situation. When we are able to understand the experience of others, forgiveness arises and it is no longer possible to hate - others or ourselves.

In a more beautiful world we create better circumstances to create more positive choices. When you can see more choices you increase your personal power to change and to help others to change.

When you recognize you are making habitual choices that result in negative outcomes, it is vital that you look for more choices. It isn't enough to just stop drinking, for instance. The alcoholic must explore other choices of how to deal with situations without using alcohol, choices that result in more positive outcomes. This is true for all addictive choices.

So what separates you from others? How do you keep the view of yourself as different, as apart from others? How often are you ignoring how alike you are with those from which you separate yourself?

It's strange - technology has made it possible to easily connect with more of the world than ever in the history of humanity. And yet, all to often it is used to foster hate, fear, and judgement, to keep us separate.

This could be called the Era of Separation. Just read the newspaper, watch TV, or go on social media and see how much fear and hate abounds. Notice how often the focus is on the"worst" or "best" of people. We can't escape it. But do we have to participate? It is all too easy to fall right into doing the same thing.  Instead, let's more often consider how we are like others, to have true compassion for them and ourselves.

It's not enough, though, to think "I'm no better than they." That only leads you to judge you both rather than looking for more choices. To stop at that point by branding yourself as "as bad as they" doesn't change the situation for either of you.

So, this more beautiful world we long for will require that we pay close attention to our thoughts and our perspectives. As we create better situations for ourselves, we change the world.


The Daily Dozen To-do List:

• Encourage your church or community organization to participate with you in reading to, helping with, and singing with physically challenged children.
• Talk with someone about how we are similar to those "other" people discussed in the news or on social media.
• Help build accessible ramps for elderly or handicapped people who have no family or funds to build them.
• Collect "Kindness Quarters" for a special act of kindness project. Encourage others to collect quarters for the project as well. One quarter may not seem significant, but many added together can have great impact.
• Extend a hand to someone in need. Help someone carry their groceries to their car. Say hello, smile, and offer a dollar or two to someone on the street who looks like they really need it. 
• Assemble and deliver a basket of vegetables or fruit and a few flowers for a home-bound person.
• Volunteer to deliver Meals on Wheels. Share a cheerful smile with the recipients. 
• Share your personal books, magazines, or newspapers with a family that can't afford their own. Children that have books and magazines in their home achieve more in school. Yet many families struggling to survive cannot afford them.
• Visit the elderly who have no family nearby. Offer to help them with minor maintenance and repairs that they may need but can no longer do themselves. Keep your tools in the car so when you visit you are prepared to help!
• Make a list of things to do to bring more kindness into the world. Have family members and friends make lists and exchange lists. Agree to do one item a day for a month.
• Take an acquaintance to dinner or invite them to your home. Get to know more about how they are like you. You may just create a friendship.
• Make extra when you cook or bake for your family and share it with a shut-in or elderly person living alone.