Image by John Hain from Pixabay
Our thoughts and our feelings are intertwined. What we think about something determines
what we feel about that something. Most of the time we aren't at all aware of that inter-
connection.
If you are over-reacting emotionally, take a breath and check what you are thinking.
Then determine if those thoughts are logical. When I was teaching prison inmates to
take more care of their emotions that get them so upset that they act out and they get
negative consequences when they act out on those emotions. I would use the example
of two different inmates who receive the same news and how thoughts can get them
out of control.
Inmates A and B come back from visitation after hearing from their spouse or girlfriend
that she is pregnant. Inmate A has been incarcerated for more than a year of his sentence.
Inmate B has only been in prison for three months. Now either inmate's spouse or girl-friend
could have been sleeping around. But Inmate A is certain it isn't his baby, whereas Inmate B
believes his sexual partner has been with no one but him.
Either inmate could feel betrayed. But inmate B prefers to think she is pregnant with his
baby. And he feels happy, exited, because he's always wanted to be a dad.
That is an over-simplification, of course. But it shows that we have more control over
our emotions that we realize. The choice to have positive thoughts goes a long way to
making us feel and behave better.
I don't suggest that you have no feelings. Far from it. Emotions are important in decision
making and in relationships. And to block our emotions can cause all sorts of problems. But
if you find yourself getting upset over little things, it might be a good time to consider which
thoughts you are encouraging. Try pulling back and looking at situations from more than one
perspective.
My grandmother was an expert in this. she could always find something positive in every
situation. She didn't deny the negativity but balanced it with positive thoughts. She was a very
lovely woman who didn't let life batter her.
When you are exploring your thoughts, take a couple of seconds to ask if your thought
is true/real. This is especially important in relationships.And then ask yourself "how
important is it for me to think this way. What else could it mean."
When my spouse and I were courting, they were always late to things. I believed that reflected
a passive aggressive behavior. And would be on guard or disappointed that I wasn't
important enough for them to be on time.
Then we learned about the various personalities. We each had different personalities and
had different perspectives on time. For me, time was a straight line. But their personality
saw time as a rubber band and tried to cram everything into the stretchy band. Once we
understood that the behavior wasn't about me at all, I felt comfortable talking about it with-
out being angry
Check it out. Go to the mall and sit and people watch. Purposely look for negative things about
each person. Their clothes might be wrinkles or colors not go together, or some other thing
you see as a flaw. You'll probably start feeling bad yourself. You might even start thinking
about all of your own flaws.
Switch to finding something positive about each person. You might even give someone
a compliment. Smile at people who catch your eye. Pass that positive feeling around. Make
the world a better place by looking for the good in it.
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