The More You Know, The More You Can Understand

We seem to be seeing a wave or empathy moving through our country. Why now? Why not in all the years before the death of yet another black man?

Empathy is the ability to share and understand each other's experiences. We think of it as an innate trait. But it is really a skill. The correct experiences, habits and practices can increase empathic capacity. The more it is exercised the stronger it becomes. On the other hand, other experiences can cause empathy to atrophy, like a muscle that is unused.

Seeing a police officer kneel on the neck of a man for more than 8 minutes, even after he had obviously lost consciousness, shocked the nation when the video went viral. The officers' obvious lack of concern for the life of a man who was suspected of passing a counterfeit $20 bill was an experience that gave us clear knowledge of the black experience. The ability to share that experience helped us understand what we had ignored for so long.

Researchers have found that power and privilege sap our ability to understand others. Psychologist Michael Kraus and his colleagues measured people's socio-economic status and their ability to decipher emotions in pictures and in-person interactions. They found that people higher in status were less accurate about other people's feelings. And more recent work has replicated these results and also found that high-status people make more errors when trying to take another's perspective.

Empathy is a skill that we need to make the world better. When we know and better understand others, the more we can create peace, inclusivity, collaboration, etc. 

So, if you are someone who wants to make the world better, you need to create experiences where you can get to know people who are different from you in some way, so that you can understand them and know what they are about, what they need or want. Practice listening to others without trying to shape what they say or think. Make a habit of connecting with more people to learn more about them and their lives. 

This is especially important if you are in a leadership role. You will make much better decisions as a result. 

Make this the Empathy Era. 


 (from "Calls for racial justice gained steam with empathy" by Jamil Jaki),

 https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/calls-for-racial-justice-gained-steam-with-empathy/2020/06/19/fc33c39c-b190-11ea-8758-bfd1d045525a_story.html

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

World Weary? You Are Not Alone.

All around us are images of needs, of suffering, of people shouting hate. It is on our televisions, our radios, or internet. Many of us are overwhelmed by it all and we become burned out, numb. We are experiencing something called "compassion fatigue". 

Absorbing all this info about suffering and feeling compassion for those who are suffering can be quite overwhelming. And they are replayed over and over. How many times did you watch an airplane crash into the tower of the World Trade Center?

We are deluged with images of tragedy and suffering from all over the world. Mass tragedies presented with sights and sounds , repeated over and over. Images of war, of catastrophes, natural disasters, mass shootings. And the constant barrage of hate-speech growing louder and louder adds to the emotional impact of so much pain and suffering we are exposed to. We often develop psychic numbing that allows us to  no longer feel compassion.

When we feel too much, we shut down and don't' feel anything. Then we do nothing in response to the suffering. We feel powerless over the situations that we witness. Often we just turn our backs to the world, become callous.

The remedy begins with accepting that we can't change the world, you can only change one person's world by doing what you can for that one person or one event. Letting go of that need to fix everything is the beginning. Sounds simple, but it is very difficult for those who want (must?) to change everything or everyone. Letting go and accepting that, on your own, you can't is the hard part

Practice doing something, some simple small thing, to address a situation that breaks your heart, something that makes your heart ache. Practice what you care about. 

Do little things for the people and causes around that may seem insignificant. If we each do a lot of the small things, they add up to big things. Enlist the help of others to do small things with you. People are better together, stronger.

Sometimes it takes only being present for someone who is suffering. Let them know that you care about them and you are there for them. You may want to end hunger, so volunteer to work at a food pantry or soup kitchen. Your being there is felt by those who come for food.

Or perhaps there is a cause you feel strongly about but know you can't do on your own. One of my caring projects is to do for the needy American Indians on reservations. In the fall I ask my friends to donate money so I can have back packs and school supplies for the neediest children on a reservation in South Dakota. With the help of friends I'm able to order back packs with school supplies from a wholesale company and have them delivered  directly to a person on the rez. They are always very grateful. In the winter I do the same to send items needed by the most needy elderly there. Together we are stronger.

Empathy in action is saying something; it's being there for someone; it's tangible expressions of love; it's committed for however long help is needed.

Silence in the face of suffering, however is deadly.

[Much of the content of this particular post is from the book Finding the Lost Art of Empathy by Tracy Wild.

Teaching Empathy

Empathy Can Be Learned

Empathy is a vital communication skill that can be taught. Children learn it most easily. But adults can learn it, too.

Wiki How has tips for adults to learn to be more empathetic. [https://www.wikihow.com/Teach-Empathy-to-Adults] "Empathy is one of the most important social skills you can have. Understanding and showing concern for others helps to build bridges, resolve conflicts, and deepen your interpersonal relationships."

 Klare Heston, LICSW, Clinical Social Worker:Empathy is partly an inborn trait, but you can also teach or learn it. According to Klare Heston, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, “Empathy can be taught, but it might be slow going if it does not come naturally. Keeping a log or journal can be a useful aid, as can working with a friend who is aware of the changes you are trying to make.”

Check it out. You may be called upon to teach empathy in employee training or workshops or in your family. Simple exercises like role playing to practice listening, making connections, paraphrasing for understanding, reading non-verbal cues, loving kindness meditation, imagining what others are thinking or feeling, look for commonalities, use mindfulness during daily activities, read fiction to relate to others experience, volunteer to interact with different kinds of people, give people your full attention - put down your cell phone, share your emotions with others - use feeling words, respond to others appropriately, lend a helping hand to someone who needs empathy.

Read the wikihow article for details. Practice and watch how your interactions with others will be affected. You can change relationships with empathy. [https://www.wikihow.com/Teach-Empathy-to-Adults]  

How to Create More Kindness

Image by John Hain from Pixabay 

I think we can agree that the world today needs more kindness. The environment in our country is rather unkind, more than ever in the past. There are daily diatribes about something in the media and in conversations. More murders, school shootings, violence against religions, racism, etc. It pervades the news and social media.

How can we create more kindness? Humans tend to reflect what they see in others. So hate and fear spread very quickly. However. kindness is contagious, too. When we create kindness, others who see it feel more kind. It can spread as well. We need to evidence kindness in more ways and more places to spread it outward.

The critical ingredient in kindness is empathy. "Empathy's most important role . . . is to inspire kindness: our tendency to help each other, even at a cost to ourselves." [The War for Kindness, Building Empaty in a Fractured world" by Jamil Zaki, pg 4]

Empathy involves sharing, caring about, and thinking about the experience of others. In our hurry up and fast track lives we often fail to take the extra few seconds to interact with anyone on this level. We miss the richness of empathy in our lives because we tend to isolate ourselves from others at an emotional level. We have become too busy to care or even think about others. We lose so much by this.

With whom do you have empathy? How limited is the circle of contacts in your life with whom you share at a level of empathy?

Are you kind? How kind are you? How kind might you be today? Tomorrow? Let's start a kindness epidemic!

Developing Empathy

Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another. It is feeling what they feel and understanding their experience.

It is putting aside your viewpoint and trying to see things from the other person's point of view.

It is validating the other person's experience without trying to critique or change it.

It requires that you examine your own attitude and that you listen to the other person with an open mind.

It is asking what the other person would do rather than just telling them what you would do.

And, like any ability, it gets better with practice.

Compassion is the feeling you have when you are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to relive the other's suffering. Empathy plus compassion lead to true acts of  kindness. The other person feels valued and empowered.

Practice your empathy and compassion with the people around you. Take time to listen to their needs, follow the formula for empathy above and watch how relationships change. Start small, hear out your child's complaints. See things from their perspective. Ask what they want to do and support them in finding solutions.

There is no end of possiblities for practicing empathy. Homelessness, poverty, chronic illness, fearfulness, are to be found everywhere when you look. Make a decision to act in true kindness.

Share your experiences with other readers on the blog. Support each other in practicing empathy, compassion, and true acts of kindness.

A Vital Virtue That Makes You a Better Person Who Can Make the World Better

I can't think of anything more important to making our lives and our world better than developping the virtue of Empathy. These are times when coming together may be the most important thing we can do for a better world.

Giving and receiving empathy brings people together. It makes it possible to see things from different perspectives, which makes it more likely to find a peaceful solution to conflict. And we can learn empathy.

This TED talk from YouTube shows us how:

Develop empathy and begin to change the world.

How Does Kindness Cure?

I've asserted that kindness can cure the world, can make it better for others as well as for yourself. Reasearch can tell you how it changes the chemicals in your brain. And that is interesting, of course. But how does it cure others?

Kindness is an expression of empathy, your ability to feel what others are feeling. There is cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. We can imagine cognitively how someone probably feels. Or we can actually feel the same emotion that someone feels. To have motivational empathy, empathy that leads us to act with kindness, we need both.

And the healing comes when we feel happy to help another. That's right, it can make us happy. When we help someone without any thought of gain, when we are truly happy to help, this is the beginning of healing. And each act of selfless acts of kindness brings about deeper healing for us and for the other.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."     The Dalai Lama

Altruism is compassion in action, doing things in the service of others selflessly.*

*The Kindness Cure, How The Science of Compassin Can Heal Your Heart & Your World by Tara Cousineau, PhD

 

100 Posts!

This is the one-hundredth post to my blog. Something to celebrate? I don't know if the blog has made a positive difference in the world, which is the reason for the blog. How I can I know?

I guess I can't know. But that doesn't matter. I will just have faith that someone will read something that means something to them and they use it to improve their life or someone else's life. That is what changes the world for the better.

So in this post I want to explore how to take the peace we create inside ourselves to make peace beyond ourselves. There are a couple of things to keep in mind. One is that to create peace we must act from a position of compassion, of empathy.And the second is that what we say makes a difference.

When there is conflict it is because someone is not getting their needs met. And you may not know what that need is, even if it seems obvious. All to often what is perceived is just a want that comes from an unmet need. For instance, a childless neighbor constantly yells at your kids for making noise when they play outside. You could assume that their need is for silence/quiet. However, if you get to know them and listen to them compassionately, you learn that the wife has had two miscarriages and often suffers with migraines. More than the noise sensitivity of the migraines is the heartache of not having children of their own. Once an empathic relationship is established you can offer the caring friendship that they need. And you might even find that she would like to babysit for you if once in a while when she doesn't have a headache. Over time, you friendship might even help reduce stress that sets her up for migraines. At least you would have a good enough relationship that she can tell you when she has a migraine and you can arrange for something else for the kids to do other than noisy games/activities.

This gets more complicated when it is groups or countries that disagree. But it is possible to approach all kinds of conflicts from this position rather than from an adversarial position. Rather than clashing in conflict we need to work to together to communicate compassion and empathy. It won't always result in you getting your way or even getting them to compromise. But it will work more often and with less damage than be adversaries.

So, remembering that what you say makes a difference, how do you speak peace? In making peace within yourself you had to chance your self-talk, eliminating blaming and shaming and "shoulding". You need to do the same when communicating with others. Pay attention to what you are saying and how you are saying it. This applies to everyone you converse with - your children, your spouse, your extended family, your neighbors, everyone.

Eliminating these keeps you in a place of wholeness, preserves your inner peace, and lowers defensive barriers. Use assertive language - make "I" statements about what you feel and what you want, what you need. "I feel angry when you yell at me" works much better than "Stop yelling at me!"  Assertive language puts everyone on an equal level. No one is one-up or one-down. This is the way that positive change can come about.

Connect with others, knowing that we are all related, that we have more in common than we have differences. Working from those commonalities makes it possible to build peaceful resolution to problems.

Man did not weave the web of life,

he is merely a strand in it.

whatever he does to the web,

he does to himself

All things are bound together.

All things connect.

-- Chief Seattle

And when we fully recognize that all things connect, our decisions - solutions - will be made with the consideration of how it will affect others, affect the environment, affect life in general. This will make true peace, when we each acknowledge and accept our responsibility to the rest of creation.

To learn more about how to speak peace, I recomment the book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, What You Say Next Will Change Your World, by Marshall B. Rosenbirg, Ph.D.

Empathy, the Path to Peace

Empathy brings us together in ways that make healing possible. It is a vital skill for creating kindness in the world. It helps us connect with other's feelings so that we can be truly kind and not just nice or polite.

Just what is empathy? And how do we practice it?  

The power of empathy: Helen Riess at TEDxMiddlebury 

Brene' Brown makes it simple:

 We can change our world when we begin to be more empathetic. Seeing through another's perspective it is easier to find solutions to problems and to make peace with the people in our lives. Living with empathy enriches us.

Can you share in the comments an experience you've had that was transformed by empathy? 

So Why Aren't More People Kind?

So it is easier to be nice than to be kind. [Remember, you can be both at the same time but that isn't always the case. If you are nice just to be polite, you probably aren't being kind. Check last post to learn the difference] Being nice is easier because it takes less commitment or energy investment. I think most people are nice most of the time. That is how we get along.

So why aren't more of us kind more of the time? Fewer of us go out of our way, even a little, to be kind for a variety of reasons. We are in a hurry and choose not to take the the time. This may be the biggest reason we aren't kind.

Fear is another. Maybe we are afraid to go out of our comfort zone to speak to a stranger. Or we are afraid the "other" will expect too much from us. Or we are afraid we will be rebuffed, embarrassed by a refusal.Most of our fear is unfounded. And most of us are more than capable of dealing with any of those scenarios.

Other things that may keep us from being kind are anger, emotional or physical pain, hatred, selfishness, self-importance, cynicism, stress, exhaustion, apathy, distrust, denial, fear of taking the risk, pessimism, loss of faith, disdain, self-hatred, shame, and unconsciousness. When you notice yourself or someone else failing to be kind,you may be suffering from any or several of these.

Unconsciousness is the more pervasive, I think. People often are so self-absorbed that they don't even see when someone else needs some kindness. They live in their own little world, detached from others. And even when they notice others they may not have empathy for others, may be incapable of imagining what the other is feeling. Part of the problem with our society right now is that we have lost our connection to others, real human connection, in spite of the constant contact with technoloby.

But just as all the negativity that bombards us is contagious, kindness is also contagious. That is why it is important for you to share stories of kindness that you have seen. That is why it is important to share those stories on social media, radio and television. The more we see of it the more likely we and others will also be kind.

So how can we make this a kinder world? First we need to practice kindness ourselves and teach our children to be kind. Then we need to share that kindness with others, spread it around like sunshine. We need to develop the ability to have empathy for others. It all begins with empathy. "One of the fist signs of empathy is the emerging sense that you and I are we." (Robert A Furely in The Joy of Kindness.

In the forward to Love is Letting Go of Fear, Hugh Prather wrote "I can be of no real help to another unless I see that the two of us are in this together, that all of our differences are superficial and meaningless, and that only the countless ways we are alie have any importance at all." Interacting with people this way takes away most of the barriers to kindness. When we are able to see others as Us rather than Them, kindness is the obvious choice for us and the barriers begin to slip away.

But if we refuse to experience our own feelings we cannot connect with another's feelings.And this denial of our feelings is more common than we would like to acknowledge. Addictions block access to one's feelings. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, shopping, hoarding, etc., add keep you from the painful feelings hidden beneath. The addiction culture seems to be spreading. Maybe we can made a difference in that by having empathy for those who are caught up in it rather than being angry or judgmental toward them. This would be kindness.

We can learn from small children. They are more often kind than those who are older. Little ones will run to help a little friend who has stumbled or skinned a knee or lost a toy. The offer comfort and they do something to help.

Let's be more like them. Let's make this world a kind place. How did you improve your empathy this week? Share in the comments something you did this week that was kind.

Oh, and you could be kind and share this post on FaceBook, Twitter, or email. Just click on the share button. Maybe we can start a kindness epidemic!