Nurturing Kindness

Nurturing kindness makes for happier people, more harmonious homes and a healthier society. If you've been noticing the current environment you have found folks looking for happiness. Unfortunately, many are turning to unhealthy habits to look for happiness. Addictions are at epidemic proportions. While drugs or other addictive behaviors may give a momentary feeling of happiness or deaden our uncomfortable feelings, there is no happiness there. Ask any recovering addict if they were happier when they were using than when they were clear of the addiction.

Scientists/Psychologists  have studyied happiness for yearsThe look for what makes people happy, thrive, and flourish. They have found that performing positive activities, expressing gratitude or doing acts of kindness, boosts happiness.

This applies to children as well as adults. Kids that do acts of kindness on a regular basis were more sociall accepted, improved their academic experience, increase their inclusivity and make them less likely to bully othere as teens. Nurturing kindness in children is a good investment in the future of our families and community.

You can experience the "helper's high" when diectly helping others. "There is a release of endorphins, a feeling of satisfaction, and overall improvement in physical and emotional health." There are changes in the brain when people think good thoughts do kind acts, or even observe other people performing kind acts.* This is one reason that Social Media posts about actis of kindness can make us feel better when we see them than when we see posts that are negative, hateful, or cruel.

When stressed or in pain, people are looking for ways to feel better. We now know that helping others will help them too. So in a time of high stress, do something for someone else. You will feel better and they will too.

So be kind. My next post will explore the fundamentals of kindness. If you've ever experienced a negative reaction to your kindness, we will explore why.

*This post is based on the book The Kindness Advantage: cultivating compassion and connected children  by Dale Atkins, PhD and Amanda Salzhauer, MSW.

Wisdom of a Seventeen-year-old

Sam Berns is wise beyond his years. 

His ability to present his ideas is excellent.

AND his philosphy can make each of us, and the world, better. Listen up:

3 Ways to Have a Happier New Year

You can make happiness happen in this coming year. You have the power to create your own happiness. You don't have to wait for circumstances to change or for someone to make you happy. Use your personal power to be happy.

It really is "all in your head" because how you think is more important to your happiness than the circumstances of your life. How we think about what happens is our personal power over the effects of those circumstances. While we may not be able to control what happens, we can control how we think about them.

Sonja Lyubomirsky writes about Happiness Activities in The How of Happiness, a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want 

Happiness Activity #1: Expressing Gratitude
Gratitude is the antidote to your negative emotions and it neutralizes "envy, avarice, hostility, worry and irritation."  Robert Emmons (Gratitude and the science of positive psychology in Snyder, C.R., and Lopez, S.J. [eds] Handbook of Positive Psychology) defines gratitude as "a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life."

Let's go with that definition and practice looking at your life through that lens. Try noticing how fortunate your circumstances are and how much worse they could be. Identify those who have helped you through some of the rough patches and let them know you are grateful. Make a list of at least five things you are grateful for in the past week or day. Make it a habit to count your blessings daily. Practice thanking people for doing what they do that makes life easier or better for someone. After a few weeks you will find your physical and mental health have benefited from your expression of gratitude.

To learn more about how gratitude creates your happiness and ways to become more grateful, read Lyubomirsky's book, Chapter 4.

Happiness Activity #2: Cultivating Optimism
Being optimistic doesn't mean coming to believe your life is perfect and will always remain perfect.
You can be realistic and optimistic. It may mean that even though there will be ups and downs you know you will make it through and everything will turn out all right in the end. It may mean posting positive  optimistic thoughts on your wall or chanting optimistic affirmations. It may mean  expecting there will be abundant good things and fewer bad. It means believing that your goals can be accomplished somehow, even if it means working hard to achieve them. It may mean identifying your strengths and acknowledging that you may have weaknesses but can overcome them. It is about knowing you can get there and thinking positively about how you will do it.

It is more than wishing for positive outcomes. It is planning for them by acknowledging your role in making it happen. An athlete doesn't just wish they will win. They train and practice and plan for HOW they will win. Being optimistic is an important part of making your own happiness.

Want to know more about how to be more optimistic? Read Chapter 4 in Lyubomirsky's book!

Happiness Activity #3: Avoiding Overthinking and Social Comparison
"Self-focused rumination", now there's a phrase for you. It means thinking too much about the why's and what ifs in your life, about the possible meanings of what others said or did, about your blunders, about what you did or didn't do, etc.

This is a tough one for me as I tend to be constantly thinking about something. And when I go to bed at night I tend to review the day with an eye for what I did or didn't do, "shoulda, woulda, coulda."
The only way I've found to interrupt that thinking is to start my gratitude list. What works for you?

Social comparison can be deadly. If you are always comparing yourself to someone else, you miss the whole picture. You are more than those aspects of yourself that you use for comparison. And you are uniquely you! No one can be a better you. And you can't be someone else. So keep looking at your personal strengths and review your accomplishments by looking at what you did that was right and what you learned about how to improve in the future.

First, stop ruminating about how you compare to someone else. Detach from focusing on comparisons with others. Redirect your attention somewhere else. Read or watch something that is funny or suspenseful, listen to upbeat music and move with it, do physical activity. Get absorbed in something else.

If you have trouble stopping this behavior you might try something I was told to do by a therapist. Set aside thirty minutes of each day to ruminate on these negative thoughts. So when throughout the day you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, tell yourself you can stop the thoughts now because you can think of this later during your scheduled time. I was encouraged to write them down during that thirty minutes and I discovered after several days that I was ruminating about the same things in the same ways. It became monotonous and fruitless. I soon stopped ruminating. Instead I began using the time to give myself positive messages and to plan ways for coping in the situations I tended to ruminate about. That was much more productive.

There are more suggestions on how to avoid overthinking and social comparison in Lyubomirsky's book. If this is an area you need to work on, read chapter 4.

So is any of this helpful for you? Do you want to know more activities for creating your happiness? Or should I go to another topic for future blog posts? Please let me know in comments!

For a Happier New Year

What is happiness anyway? Charlie Brown said that happiness is a warm puppy. But I think it is much more than that. I like the definition given by Sonja Lyumbomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.

"I use the term happiness to refer to the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one's life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile."

Happiness is not easy to measure.It is inherently subjective and defined by the person. No one can determine how happy you are, really.  And, in spite of what you may have thought, no one can MAKE you happy but yourself. Happiness is not a destination, something you must FIND.  forty percent of our happiness is determined by intentional activity on your part, strategies that you can implement to remake yourself as a happier person.

Nor does your happiness lie in changing your circumstances. Happiness occurs from the inside out, no matter what your circumstances. There are people living in desperate circumstances that can still be happy people. They don't depend on their circumstances to determine how they think or feel. My grandmother could always find something positive in every situation, even the most difficult ones. She was a happy woman. No, she wasn't a jolly woman. She was genuinely happy no matter what.

And while some people seem to be happy from birth, or unhappy from birth. But happiness is not generic. For the most part it is learned.

Circumstances  account for only about 10 percent in how different folks feel.* So whatever happens in 2018 you can be happier.

If you seriously want to have a happier life, I recommend Lyumbomirsky's book. It can help you find your current happiness set point and then show you how to raise it. Learn what activities that fit your interests, values, and needs that you might choose to increase your happiness. I'll describe a few of them in my next blog. But using the book yourself is a great place to start.

   * Sonja Lyumbomirsky, The How of Happiness, a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.

Got 20 Minutes? Get Happy!

You can get happy in only 20 minutes if you watch his video and do what it suggests. 

Want to try?

Watch.

What do you think?

I'm Sorry. Be Happy.

One thing that keeps us from being truly happy is that there are people or experiences that have hurt us and we've not been able to forgive.

How can forgiveness of others help us to be truly happy? Check out this video to start on the road to forgiving. Do it for yourself.

Let it go. Be happy.

Another Formula for Happiness

• Do you know your purpose?

• Is there a way to live your life that will create more happiness in the world, not only for you but for others as well?

• Maybe that is the purpose for which we all exist. 

• What will you do today, tomorrow, the next day, to create more happiness?

• Share your ideas here!

How to Be Happy!

                                       
What does it take for you to be happy? More money? More time? More fame? More what?

Adam Smith gets to the heart of the matter. He wrote in The Theory of Moral Sentiments "Man naturally desires, not only to be loved, but to be lovely." And Russ Roberts explains in How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life what Adam Smith was talking about.

Smith didn't mean that you must be physically attractive to be happy. And he wasn't talking about love in the narrow sense that we think of it today. Remember, Smith was an 18th Century writer and the language was a bit different than now.

He saw love as being noticed, being liked, respected, honored, Being loved means to matter to others, to be valued. And being "lovely" is to deserve love, to be the person who does that kind of loving. To be the person who does the right thing, the lovely thing.
                       

The reason we pursue money and fame is because those bring us notice, respect, etc. At least that is how it seems. But if that is so, why are there so many successful people who are unhappy? Why would someone with money and fame ever want to destroy themselves with drugs, alcohol, suicide?

Smith believed it is because even with the money and fame if you don't believe you deserve it, you will be unhappy. And while we can fool ourselves about how good we are, we know deep down how much we hide from others.

Some people think that success is what destroys us. Smith points out that "It's the passionate pursuit of success that corrodes the soul." It is when we put success ahead of all other values. How often do we choose to sacrifice time with our loved ones in order to be more successful in our careers? What choices have we made to be successful that betray our basic values.
                                                     
On the other hand, what are you willing to give up in order to do the right thing, the "lovely" thing? How do we succeed as a spouse, a parent, a good friend? We are faced with these decisions every day. The challenge is to be "lovely". And to not fool ourselves about who we really are.

Smith said that if you want to be rich and famous, powerful, successful, you have to give up leisure and ease and careless security forever.

"And you have to toil and have anxiety and endure 'mortifications' - pain and shame - if you want to make it. You have to work hard. You have to give up tranquility. In return you get a great deal of attention. People want to know what you think, they look to you for how to dress and seek and behave. When you enter a room, all eyes are on you. And the envy and admiration that everyone else has for the great make the price that is paid worthwhile, at least in the eyes of many." (Russ Roberts, How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life.)

Fooling ourselves about our "loveliness" is the easiest thing to do. We rationalize our behavior to look good in our own eyes. We "do good" because we are watched by some external eye or by ourselves. What if no one is watching? Who are we then? Imagine an impartial spectator who can help you know yourself and help you become a better you.

And no matter how you see yourself, it is vital that you accept yourself as "lovely. " To be happy we must notice, like, respect, honor, and value ourselves! We can only do that when we are honest with ourselves. Humility is required.

In my next post I'll explore Smith's ideas of how to be "lovely."

An 18th Century Guide for the 21st Century

As it turns out, this eighteenth century economist [Adam Smith] has some really good advice for people in the twenty-first century on how to live a good life.  Since he was an economist, you'd think he was all about money. But he was also a philosopher and explored how money does or doesn't make people happy.

In Russ Roberts' book How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life, Roberts takes Smith's eighteenth century prose and interprets it in easy to understand twenty-first century language. And it is very revealing.

He explains how we all behave in our own self-interests, even when our behavior benefits others. Now before you get all wound up about being generous and beneficent, explore that a bit.Smith writes "What is it which prompts the generous, upon all occasions, and the mean upon many, to sacrifice their own interests to the greater interests of other?" In other words, why do we act selflessly, sacrificing our own well-being to help others?

Maybe we are inherently kind and decent, filled with compassion, caring about others and hating to see them suffer. Yet how MUCH are you willing to sacrifice? What causes us to recoil from selfishly putting our own minor suffering ahead of the despair of millions who are displaced by war or starving because of famine. Or do we? We see the horrific suffering of others on the news daily. And we care - briefly. Then we go right back to looking out for number one, ourselves. It is just too much for us to deal with.

And so we "do what we can", donate a few dollars, pray, hold fundraisers. Those are all good things. And we do them so that we feel better. No judgement here. It is just the way we deal with overwhelming needs.

What Smith wants us to do is to be honest with ourselves about why we do things. Because if we fool ourselves we will not be happy. There will always be that part of us that knows we didn't do everything we could do.

Is he asking us to give up what we have, to not strive for success, to reject financial comforts? No, he is not. He is asking us to get real. To do what we feel we can do and to accept ourselves as we are, not expect ourselves to be more than we really are.

Not so easy, at least for me. I always want to do more than I can. But I also know that I won't, because I won't give up my health, well-being, or safety. And I must come to terms with that, to acknowledge my boundaries and accept them. What about you?

Have you had that inner conversation recently about why you do what you do? I encourage you to read further in the book with me to not only know yourself but to hear how Smith says you can be happy.

More in my next post. I encourage comments!

(The book is available from Amazon: How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life: An Unexpected Guide to Human Nature and Happiness by Roberts, Russ (2014) Hardcover, 1900, Hardcover, $6.51. Or get it from the library, as I did.)

There's This Book

I picked out this book because I was curious about the title. I didn't know what it was about, exactly. But I was really curious. So I brought it home from the library and it set there waiting for me to pick it up. Days later I did.

As it turns out it is truly a surprise. The last person I would have thought would provide useful and relevant guidance for human happiness is an economist from the 1700's!

The book is How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life, an unexpected guide to human nature and happiness by Russ Roberts. I had never heard of Adam Smith. And when I learned who he was I was pretty skeptical about him leading me to happiness. I'm not out to get rich, and I thought that was what economists were about.

What a surprise. For Smith, happiness was about so much more than accumulation of money. He published The Theory of Moral Sentiments in 1759. It is pretty much a forgotten text. His famous work was An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations published in 1776. And I doubt if anyone I know ever read either book. I know I wouldn't have been interested in either. But now here I am reading a book that explores his first book and really liking it!

Part of why no one reads his work now is that the language is rather stilted and not easy for 21st century readers. For instance the first sentence is forty-two words! So one might have to read it several times to get the gist of what he is saying:

How selfish soever man may be supposed, there are evidently some principles to his nature, which interest him in the fortune of others, and render their happiness necessary to him, though he derives nothing from it except the pleasure of seeing it.

See what I mean? But basically it is a very hopeful and positive perspective. He posits that human nature is basically generous, that we want happiness for others and that it is necessary for our won happiness to contribute to their happiness.

  I'm only about a quarter of the way through the book. But I will be sharing more of it as I go along. I find it interesting that he believes we naturally do things for the good of others without expecting anything in return. It is human nature.

We need to get back to acting from that nature to find happiness. So, yes, I guess Adam Smith can change our lives!

Check back Wednesday for more about human nature and happiness.

 

Are You Getting What You Want?

In my last post I suggested that you explore who you are to clarify what you want. I listed eleven attributes that may be part of who you are. Then you can explore your life to see if you are investing in what you want based on who YOU want you to be.

After exploring those attributes or life goals did you discover how much you invest in the real you? Are you doing the things that give you greater satisfaction based on your own values rather than someone else's idea of who you should be and what you should be doing? How did they match up?

To be happier with your life you must be investing in those things that are most important to YOU. There are myriad ways of doing that.

If you want to have satisfying relationships you can invest more time and attention in those relationships that are most important to you. Schedule quality time with them. Be a good listener when you converse. Show up when you say you will and follow through with promises and commitments. Share your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Be real with them.

To fit in with other people you'll need to find commonalities with them. It won't make you happy to be fake with others. You must be real with them. So exploring your commonalities can make that happen. Learn better people-skills. Are you lacking in social skills? You can learn! If it is important to you to fit in in order for you to be happy you will want to learn how to do that and remain real.

To improve the world you may want to develop stronger community feeling through activism or generosity. Even we introverts can do this! :-) There are many opportunities for activism for the causes you believe in. And generosity includes giving of your time and compassion. If you need ideas of ways to participate in making the world better, just check back through some of my previous posts on the subject.

Financial success has different meanings to different people. Wealth is a relative term, even when looking at material and monetary possessions. Decide what for YOU is enough to satisfy this goal and learn ways to achieve it. Do you need more education or training to get the jobs you need to reach this goal? Are you in a field of work that will give you what you want to satisfy this goal? How important is this goal compared to your other goals? Invest in it accordingly.

Sensual pleasure has a role in every life. How important is it in yours? You alone can decide that. And there are all kinds of sensual pleasure, from simply experiencing the sights and fragrances of a spring day to erotic pleasures. All of our senses are capable of giving us pleasure (or pain). Many people find that experiencing all of their senses non-erotically can satisfy as much or more than the sexual pleasures, if that is more fitting for them. If you are not in a caring sexual relationship you can experience your other senses in pleasurable ways that fit in with your other values.

To look attractive in terms of body and clothing can be very important to you. Only you can decide just how important that is. This isn't easy to determine when there are so many voices telling us how we should look or are defining attractiveness for us. Get comfortable in your body and maintain good hygiene to explore this attribute. When you decide how you want to look, do what needs to be done for that to happen.

It is always important to feel healthy and free of illness. But we don't all seem to live our lives to make that happen. So just how important is that to you? What value do you give to this attribute? How much do you want to invest in your health? Are you giving your body good nutrition and adequate exercise? Are you avoiding illnesses that are contagious by getting your vaccines?  Are your practicing good hygiene? Is your behavior reflecting the value you place on this attribute? If not, what do you want to change? Then find a way to do it.

Want to be famous, well-known, admired? Nothing wrong with that, no matter what anyone else may tell you. There are all kinds of ways to be famous and admired. Find ways that coincide with your other values to be happy with your popularity. Fame is pretty hollow if you are well-known for something that isn't the real you. So find ways to be known and admired for you other important attributes. This can work for creating a better world!

How important is it to you to be safe, to ensure bodily integrity? Are you comfortable with physical risk? Are you able to know when you are safe and when you aren't? We are currently in a fear culture in our country. How much of it is real? How much of it is personal to you? What are the real dangers and how do you choose to deal with them? Everything from natural disasters to dangerous criminals can create devastation. How real is the risk to you and how do you want to deal with them?  You have lots of choices. You can live in constant anxiety or you can completely ignore all warnings. Or you can choose something in between the extremes. How important is it to YOU to be safe?

Do you like who you are? Self-acceptance is the attribute of feeling competent and authentic. Obviously one can't be competent at everything. But everyone is competent with something. The issue, I suppose, is if you feel competent at what is most important to you. Knowing what you value goes a long way in helping you develop feelings of competence. So decide what you want to feel competent about and develop that competence. Like the old question "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" The answer is: practice, practice, practice. Get education or training if need be. Develop your self-esteem to be authentically the person YOU want to be.

The final attribute on the list is spirituality. This is the search for spiritual or religious understanding. Spirituality is not limited to religion.

Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all. People may describe a spiritual experience as sacred or transcendent or simply a deep sense of aliveness and interconnectedness.*

*[from the University of Minnesota website: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/purpose/spirituality/what-spirituality]

What spirituality means to you is also something only YOU can decide. It may or may not be connected with a religious institution. It is often how people determine their purpose in life. The website noted above offers some insight into how you might define YOUR spirituality.

Are you wondering how all of this can make a better, happier world? It begins by making a better, happier you. When you are living a satisfying life you then have what you need to begin making the world better, happier. 

Stay tuned for more on how to do that! And share this post with your friends by email and social media by clicking on one of the "share" links at the bottom left of this page. As always, I encourage you to share your comments below

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Are You Happy?

That's not a question I ask myself often. I wonder what happiness means to you. I don't know that it is a simple all or nothing thing, at least not for me. So I thought I'd explore it a bit. What is Happiness?

For me it is made up of little pieces of happiness that are present even when I don't consciously identify them. Life is a mosaic. Some of the pieces are unhappy but most are not. Most are little bits of positive everyday experiences. I can choose to focus on a bit of negativity (unhappiness) or a bit of positivity (happiness).

That's not to say I should ignore the negative. It gives me information about what needs changed. And if I ignore it I probably won't do anything about it. And if it is negative to me it probably is negative to others. So if I can change it I can then change the experience for others. Yep, I'm back to changing the world again.

You should know that I'm passionate about changing the world for the better. So it doesn't help to ignore the negative. It also doesn't help to ignore the positives, which we often do. How much better our lives are when we acknowledge all the small positives we experience. We enhance our happiness by noticing the pleasure of small things - a drink of water when we are thirsty, the song of a bird outside our window, the breeze on our face when we are hot, the taste of our favorite food.

Accumulating awareness of those small things can keep our happiness charged and our perspective positive.

What small things do you experience as positive? Would you share them in the comments?

Some of my happy moments? Sewing machine needled threaded at first try; big sewing project completed; cat laying in my lap. Now, what are some of yours from your day?