Forgive and Forget? No.

Merriam Webster defines "forgive" as a transitive verb. "to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON" i.e. "forgive one's enemies"

The definition of forgive says nothing about forgetting the offense. Nor does it suggest that you do it to benefit the other person. To forgive frees you from resentment and anger. It benefits you to make you life easier, better, freer.

Forgetting the offense would not be useful. If you forgot it happened, how would you prevent it happening again in the future? Every experience gives us information to us in determining how to make your way with people, how to evaluate situations, etc. No, don't forget.

But do let go of the feelings that may still linger when you remember the event. Forgiveness enables you to clear the slate with people and move on. 

When a community, or group, or country, etc., harbors resentment against another, there is very little trust that can be built. And behavior choices are more likely to be made on the basis of feelings than on fact. How many wars and acts of violence between groups would be avoided if true forgiveness had occurred? 

Forgive others, whether they know it or not. Forgive others, whether they even care or not. Do it for your betterment and to make the world better.

Resolve conflicts peacefully and learn from the experience. Keep your old emotions out of future situations. Let the resentment go.

Forgive.

I'm Sorry. Be Happy.

One thing that keeps us from being truly happy is that there are people or experiences that have hurt us and we've not been able to forgive.

How can forgiveness of others help us to be truly happy? Check out this video to start on the road to forgiving. Do it for yourself.

Let it go. Be happy.

Tell Me About It!

The first seven steps of the strategy for curbing hate have been explored in the previous posts. The final three may not be as simple. Let's see if we can make our way through them.

The eighth step is to avoid being/feeling trapped. It is when we are trapped or powerless and our fear is highest that we easily slip into hating that which has you trapped. Maybe you feel trapped in a relationship, a job, a situation, a conflict. In order to avoid this feeling you'll need to use all of the previous steps, particularly communication and negotiation. You may feel trapped in a job, for instance, start hating to go to work, hating your boss, or hating the organization. To change that you might start by letting people know in a constructive way what specifically you are unhappy with. If possible negotiate some changes. If there really is nothing you can do to change things you might start exploring opportunities elsewhere. Or you might try to put things in a different perspective by viewing your frustrations as creative challenges that can lead to a new level of personal growth.

I was in a job once that I came to hate. I was frustrated that I was not being given the kind of work experiences that I had been promised and there was little chance that it would ever be resolved. There was no chance for me to use the job to get the experience I needed to advance my career. The reason I'd taken that job was no longer there. So I set a different goal. I decided I'd work that job until I had saved three month's worth of living expenses and I would quit. While I was working toward that goal I would look for other employment that would benefit my career. I no longer dreaded going to work because I no longer felt trapped in a dead-end job.

The ninth step is to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. Working together on a mutually beneficial goal builds trust and erodes the divisions we create between Us and Them. Find ways to create opportunities to know more positive qualities of the source of your hate. Create an environment free as possible of prejudice, bigotry, hatred, abuse, and violence. Not easy in our present contentious environment. But seek out positives about that which is hated. Balance the negative news with positive examples.

We are just now beginning to see stories on the news and on the internet about various faith communities working for the good of those of other faiths. We hear about police departments getting to know the citizens of their communities and neighborhoods by doing positive activities. We watch various segments of the community reaching out to other segments to solve mutual problems. When we create balance in what we experience we can be less and less likely to see others in stereotypical ways.

And finally, seek justice and not revenge. Now here's the hard part. Most people just want to "get even." The reality is, however, that seeking revenge puts you farther behind in the whole situation. Vengeful hatred anchors you in the past. Where hate dominates, grievances are never forgotten. The cycle of revenge and retaliation goes on and on, sometimes for centuries. No one wins!

Where do you start to break the cycle? Apologizing is a step in the right direction. It takes a big person to apologize. Many seem to find it impossible. In long-standing cycles of revenge and retaliation, individual leaders need to offer specific, heartfelt apologies as a beginning toward reconciling and developing mutual empathy. Recently Pope Francis apologized to victims of sexual abuse by clerics and is cooperating in bringing religious leaders to court. The only path to peace in the Middle East is through reconciliation. Both sides must come together, acknowledge the specific wrongdoings and mistakes to the other, and negotiate compromises to reconcile their differences.

But the apology must be perceived as sincere, which isn't easy in a suspicious and cynical atmosphere. Forgiveness does not come easily. However, there is no peace without moving on to justice through forgiveness. The conviction in the courts of those guilty of crime helps bring a fresh start to healing of warring or disputing factions.However, lingering prejudice and hated make these kinds of problems intractable. Moving through the steps of this strategy to curb hate with constant focus on the common humanity and unique individuality of adversaries and a sincere attempt to understand their positons and feelings, is far more likely to lead to genuine solutions. Protest signs that say "No Justice, No Peace" are right. But the justice must come through forgiveness and empathy on both sides.

Peace comes at a price. We often think the price is war. But that isn't so. The price is giving up hatred and working for common goals. War has yet to result in true peace with justice.

So, what do you think? Can we reduce hate? Is peace possible? Tell me about it.

What examples of hate have you seen recently? What was the harm?

What do you find hardest to forgive? What apology would you most want to hear?

Tell me about it!

Reconciliation

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult healthy acts we can do. Even loving the ones who hurt you doesn't always make it easy to forgive. And when it is someone else it is even harder.

          "How can you love those who have stolen from you, assaulted or abused you, or tried to blow             you up and completely destroy you? How can you forgive those who have kidnapped, tortured             and killed someone you love? Yet this is where reconciliation has to begin." Canon Andrew                 White (1)

If we are to have peace, personally, nationally, or internationally we must become reconciled to one another. We must forgive those who have caused us pain. For old anger and resentments eat away at peace and leave us bitter and defensive, separating ourselves from "the others."

When we fall into racism, sexism, phobias like homophobia, Islamophobia, etc. We are cutting off the possibility of reconciliation with these "others." These create pain and suffering on both sides. Much violence is done in the name of -isms and -phobias.

And if you think the church is better at forgiveness and reconciliation than laymen, have another look. Consider all the violence that is done in the name of some religion or other. These -isms and      -phobias are an assault on the image we all share as created in the image of God.

Today we don't have to look far to see this playing out in our everyday lives. Oppressive regulations, denied access to resources, discriminatory hiring practices, preferential treatment of classes of people in the justice system, political hate-mongering, are some of the more obvious. There is little wonder that we are seeing such chaos.

While the fervor we are hearing today may be distressing, it is necessary for change. For these things thrive in silence. We may not personally be the cause of these evils. However, if we perpetrate the silence, if we do not speak up, we are guilty as well. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act."

There is no way forward in the face of this chaos without forgiveness and reconciliation. We can't wait for "time to heal all wounds" because it doesn't. It hasn't and it won't.

The good news is that people of faith can lead us through that. Churches, Synagogues, Mosques, and other faith groups are moving to heal the broken connections. We must all be part of that. We must all want healing to take the place of hating.

What about individuals? What can YOU do to bring about healing? If you are a member of a faith organization, encourage them to confront their -isms and -phobias with love. And support their efforts to reach out to "the others."

Most importantly, though, you must confront your own -isms and -phobias. Who do you need to forgive? Who might need to forgive you? It works both ways, you know. You need to make amends for the harm/hurt you have caused. You need to reach out to those you have considered "others" and get to know them as equal creations in the image of God. Share meals. Ask questions about mutual blind spots that negatively effect others.

If we are to change the world we must begin where we are, who we are. Changing the world may seem like a huge goal. But remember, every journey begins with a single step. Step out.









(1) Father Forgive: Reflections on Peacemaking by Andrew White

Disruption

So, how do we disrupt the old way of the world of separation? The best way to disrupt it at its foundation is giving people the experience of non-separation. This means each time we act with true "generosity, forgiveness, attention, truth or unconditional acceptance" (1) we offer the experience of connection and compassion.

This violates the old beliefs that "Everyone is out for themselves." It affirm the desire to give, create, love and play. It makes it o.k. for others to break through those old beliefs. While these acts can't make someone give up their old beliefs, it does invite others to at least consider that those beliefs may not be totally true. The most we can do isopen the door to a different perspective on the world.

We live in a time of self-rejection. How often do we hear someone declare that they, or someone they know, are their own worst critic. Your unconditional acceptance of others shows them a new possibility. This is a transformative power that we all have. This is an important way we can change the world. Don't underestimate the power of compassionate acts.

A way to multiply this power is to stand by those who "do the right thing." Just be silent witness to justice and compassion on the part of others. It is easier to act justly if you have the support of others. This is aother way we disrupt separation.

Consider, also, how the perspective of connectivity spreads compassion. Because we are all connected, everything we do influences everyone and everything else. So your generosity, your non-judgemental acceptance of others has a ripple effect. The "pay it forward" effect is evidence of this. Someone pays for the coffee of the car behind them in the drive-thru and others then do the same.

You smile at a stranger and she smiles back. She's then more likely to smile at someone else, who then also smiles. You forgive someone for some hurt and your healing advances - as does theirs. When one part of the web is mended, the entire web is stronger.

Yes, there will be times when someone is so stuck in the old ways of separation that they will reject your acts of compassion. While that is sad, it need not effect you. Don't let it influence you to fall back into old ways yourself.

And, of course, it begins with having love and compassion for yourself. For you cannot give away what you don't have. Nurture your inner being as you live in the more beautiful world.

Today's Daily Dozen To-do List:

• Make a list of ten things you like about yourself.
• Give something to someone - a smile, a hug, a kind word, a poem, a card, etc.
• Spend time with someone being creative - paint, do needlework, sing, dance, problem-solve.
• Tell someone you love them, but only if you mean it., Feel the love in your heart.
• Be silly with someone! Laugh. Play like children. Play with children.
• Tell a family member something you like/appreciate about them.
• Tell a friend something you like/appreciate about them.
• Tell an acquaintance something you like/appreciate about them.
• Make a list of things in your life that are evidence of abundance.
• Spend time with someone who is giving and accepting of others. Practice being like them.
• Think of someone who may have hurt you. Focus on forgiving them in order to heal your wound. Be love.
• Think of something you feel bad about having done to someone else. Focus on forgiving yourself with unconditional acceptance. Be love.