So, Are You Selfish?

I sometimes think I'm selfish when I don't do what someone wants me to or when I choose to stay home rather than attend a meeting. It's hard to say no sometimes. That's exactly how we become used up and cynical. "The world just tries to take, take, take." Then we are used up, resentful, and feel like our tank is empty. That's because it is!

When you car is getting low on gas, you have to go get gas or it won't run at all. Then it becomes pretty useless. With an empty tank it can't do much of anything. It is the same with people. We have to take care of ourselves or we will be pretty useless, too.

So saying "no" can be a survival skill we need in order to get ourselves to the filling station! Build in time for yourself to do things that nurture you. People have various ways of nurturing themselves. It may be simply taking a few minutes each day to be quiet and alone. Or it may be music that fills your soul. Or you may have a creative hobby that takes you out of the chaos for a little while.

We also need to nourish our bodies, get adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and plenty of water. It's like your car. If you do regular maintenance, give it proper fuel, and upkeep it will serve you long and well. If you run it too fast for too long and don't take care of it, it is going to wear out more quickly.

The trouble is that many of us take better care of our car than we do ourselves! Take a minute right now and check your indicators. How's your body doing?  How's your attitude? Are you feeling happy? Are you eating right and regularly? Are you getting enough rest? Are you doing good self-care? Having some leisure?

I know, I know, you don't think you have time for leisure. But you don't need hours or days of it if you build it in on a regular basis. How about half and hour for a leisurely bath or walk in a park? How about just shutting your eyes and listening to some music? How about taking time to simply chat with a friend who always lightens your mood? These don't require a total lifestyle change.

I like to sew and almost always have a project going. I seldom spend hours at it at a time. I do a little at a time. I also crochet, paint, and read. I know, you are thinking that's easy for me because I'm retired. And you are right. It is easier. But even when working and taking care of a family I managed to sew, crochet, and read a little at a time.

I enjoy creating things. And I even can often combine this self-caring activity that I enjoy with helping others when I have a project that will benefit someone else - as long as I don't set an unreasonable deadline for getting it done. No pressure, just pleasure. Doing for others is sometimes a self-caring activity for me as I get such pleasure from helping. But it can become a drain if I give more time or energy than I have.

Doing things that feel good which don't have negative side effects is important for our well-being. What good can we do if we are worn out and feeling resentful about all the demands we feel on our energy?

Don't forget to explore how many of those demands are ones we make on ourselves. Are you trying to do too much? Give up on becoming Super Woman or Super Man and find good balance in your life.

As well as doing things that feel good, self-care means NOT doing things that feel bad. For me it means limiting the amount of time I am around negative people, not going to violent movies, and staying away from places where people tend to become argumentative and loud. For you it may be different. You may want to stop activities that leave you feeling bad about yourself. You might look at your expectations of yourself and decide that you are being a bit unreasonable. Sometimes doing less can mean more time and energy for the things that really matter for you.

And another way of caring for yourself is to change the way you talk to yourself. Monitor your self-talk to see if you are being negatively critical. Do you hear yourself saying things like "That was stupid" and other similar phrases? Do you tell yourself you look awful or that you never do anything right? Listen to what goes through your mind and ask yourself if you would talk to someone else like that or if you'd want them to say that to you? Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others! Try promising yourself that you will never say to yourself anything you wouldn't say to another person. I suspect that is a tall order for many of us. But it is worth working on.

So, are you selfish or are you taking care of yourself? Think about it. What did you do today to be kind to yourself and take care of you?

Tell Me About It!

The first seven steps of the strategy for curbing hate have been explored in the previous posts. The final three may not be as simple. Let's see if we can make our way through them.

The eighth step is to avoid being/feeling trapped. It is when we are trapped or powerless and our fear is highest that we easily slip into hating that which has you trapped. Maybe you feel trapped in a relationship, a job, a situation, a conflict. In order to avoid this feeling you'll need to use all of the previous steps, particularly communication and negotiation. You may feel trapped in a job, for instance, start hating to go to work, hating your boss, or hating the organization. To change that you might start by letting people know in a constructive way what specifically you are unhappy with. If possible negotiate some changes. If there really is nothing you can do to change things you might start exploring opportunities elsewhere. Or you might try to put things in a different perspective by viewing your frustrations as creative challenges that can lead to a new level of personal growth.

I was in a job once that I came to hate. I was frustrated that I was not being given the kind of work experiences that I had been promised and there was little chance that it would ever be resolved. There was no chance for me to use the job to get the experience I needed to advance my career. The reason I'd taken that job was no longer there. So I set a different goal. I decided I'd work that job until I had saved three month's worth of living expenses and I would quit. While I was working toward that goal I would look for other employment that would benefit my career. I no longer dreaded going to work because I no longer felt trapped in a dead-end job.

The ninth step is to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. Working together on a mutually beneficial goal builds trust and erodes the divisions we create between Us and Them. Find ways to create opportunities to know more positive qualities of the source of your hate. Create an environment free as possible of prejudice, bigotry, hatred, abuse, and violence. Not easy in our present contentious environment. But seek out positives about that which is hated. Balance the negative news with positive examples.

We are just now beginning to see stories on the news and on the internet about various faith communities working for the good of those of other faiths. We hear about police departments getting to know the citizens of their communities and neighborhoods by doing positive activities. We watch various segments of the community reaching out to other segments to solve mutual problems. When we create balance in what we experience we can be less and less likely to see others in stereotypical ways.

And finally, seek justice and not revenge. Now here's the hard part. Most people just want to "get even." The reality is, however, that seeking revenge puts you farther behind in the whole situation. Vengeful hatred anchors you in the past. Where hate dominates, grievances are never forgotten. The cycle of revenge and retaliation goes on and on, sometimes for centuries. No one wins!

Where do you start to break the cycle? Apologizing is a step in the right direction. It takes a big person to apologize. Many seem to find it impossible. In long-standing cycles of revenge and retaliation, individual leaders need to offer specific, heartfelt apologies as a beginning toward reconciling and developing mutual empathy. Recently Pope Francis apologized to victims of sexual abuse by clerics and is cooperating in bringing religious leaders to court. The only path to peace in the Middle East is through reconciliation. Both sides must come together, acknowledge the specific wrongdoings and mistakes to the other, and negotiate compromises to reconcile their differences.

But the apology must be perceived as sincere, which isn't easy in a suspicious and cynical atmosphere. Forgiveness does not come easily. However, there is no peace without moving on to justice through forgiveness. The conviction in the courts of those guilty of crime helps bring a fresh start to healing of warring or disputing factions.However, lingering prejudice and hated make these kinds of problems intractable. Moving through the steps of this strategy to curb hate with constant focus on the common humanity and unique individuality of adversaries and a sincere attempt to understand their positons and feelings, is far more likely to lead to genuine solutions. Protest signs that say "No Justice, No Peace" are right. But the justice must come through forgiveness and empathy on both sides.

Peace comes at a price. We often think the price is war. But that isn't so. The price is giving up hatred and working for common goals. War has yet to result in true peace with justice.

So, what do you think? Can we reduce hate? Is peace possible? Tell me about it.

What examples of hate have you seen recently? What was the harm?

What do you find hardest to forgive? What apology would you most want to hear?

Tell me about it!