If Not You, Who?

Who can take care of you? Who can make you feel better, physically or mentally when you are stressed? 

Oh, You! You know what?

We have stress all around us - and even inside us. And it can be very damaging over time. You can save yourself from that by learning personal self-care techniques and use them every day.

TED Talk by Susannah Winters

Try it. Stay well. Love yourself enough to take care of yourself.

How Do You Celebrate Your Birthday?

When I was growing up, birthdays were a big day at our house. There was always a birthday cake, except for my older brother who sometimes asked for lemon merainge pie instead. 

Sometimes we had a party with our friends invited, where we'd make party hats and play games and get little presents.

My mother seemed to always enjoy celebrating our birthdays. It was like it was our own personal holiday. I doubt if they had much to celebrate with when she was growing up and wanted us to have better.

For much of my adulthood my birthday was not terribly special, especially when I had no loving spouse. The kids would make me cards, though, and insist I bake a cake. For a long time I was single when my husband left us. We were really broke and the presents were usually what the kids made and a check in the mail from my Mom.

Then I was single and my kids were gone. I got birthday cards, usually, from friends, but I was still really poor, so didn't do much celebrating. I was struggling to go to graduate school and working a part-time job. It was a very lonely time because I commuted to school and wasn't involved in school activities. And I was living alone in a friends house as a house sitter. I had a couple of local friends and they checked in on me. But for the most part it was very lonely.

I finally finished school.  I had been living in a little cheap apartment. I had two temporary very part-time clerical jobs and couldn't find a job in my field in the town where I was living. I couldn't keep up with my expenses, so I gave up housekeeping and went to live with my mother in Columbus, Ohio. She, of course, always remembered my birthday. After a bit there I found a temporary job in my field and then a permanent one. Things were looking up.

My birthday is in February. In Central Ohio, that month is the grayest month, cold and damp and depressing. So after I moved into my own place, I began celebrating February as BGTL Month - Be Good to Lucinda Month. Every day of February I do something that makes me happy, makes me feel good.

It is sometimes hard to come up with 28 things, but I always manage. You see, being good to myself doesn't have to be a big thing. While there are some special things I do, any small thing can feel good. This month is no different. So far I've had Wendy's chili, which I really like. And spent an afternoon playing with my great-granddaughter. Today I will spend time doing art work.

While these are all rather normal things, the perspective of doing them as a way I am being good to myself makes all the difference. Why don't you try it? Whatever month your birthday falls in, spend it being good to yourself. Can't manage it for a month? Start with your birthday week.

Hope you have a happy birthday month, too! Let me know how it goes. And if you have suggestions for things I might do to BGTL, please leave them in a comment. (Actually, your comment will make my day special!)

BGTL Month: Why?

Maybe you are wondering what the heck BGTL Month is. Well, it is the month of February dedicated to Be Good To Lucinda. It is a month when I determine to do something every day that is self-caring, that makes me feel good.

Why? Because I have a hard time taking care of myself emotionally. I forget to take care of myself when there are so many others who need care so many things to do. I get into being a "human doing" rather than a "human being."

Yes, I do get benefit from doing for others. It feels good. But it can sometimes be a distraction from really taking care of me. So I dedicate the shortest month of the year to BGTL. It is a cold month and the cold makes my body hurt more. More pain adds to the depression.  February is usually the worst month for my Seasonal Affect Disorder because we don't get a lot of sun then. And I struggle with depression.

When I'm depressed I catch myself doing negative self-talk, which, of course, makes the depression worse! So I use this month to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of. I make it a point to reach out to people more for social support. I treat myself to simple pleasures and spend time making plans for future vacations. We go to movies and buy ice cream. I go window shopping at a mall to get exercise when the weather doesn't encourage me to walk outside. I read more. I work on craft or sewing projects - being creative builds my self-esteem.

And I seek out motivation and guidance from experts. I found this video today and like it a lot. I hope it encourages you to take care of your emotional health. Maybe you can set aside a day or week or month to Be Good To --- you! Let me know if you do!

It's That Time of Year

Yep. The holiday season has begun. We've made it through Thanksgiving and are starting the "mad dash" to Christmas.  And for many of us that means we are focusing on others, focusing on gifts, focusing on fixing the house for celebrations, fixing meals, fixing goodies, etc.

And we do all this while we are continuing with what we ordinarily do in our days and nights. We are doing a lot of doing!

So we get even busier than usual, we worry about things more than usual, we miss those who are not with us more than usual, we get really stressed.

So I'm wanting to remind myself and all of you that we need to take good care of OURSELVES. Self care is always important, of course. But when we ultra busy or have a lot of extra stress we tend to forget to do that.

You are important. And taking care of you is important. So I found this video that might help.

What do you think? Try the five things and make your life better. It is hard to make the world better, to make anyone else's life better, if we don't take care of ourselves.

So, Are You Selfish?

I sometimes think I'm selfish when I don't do what someone wants me to or when I choose to stay home rather than attend a meeting. It's hard to say no sometimes. That's exactly how we become used up and cynical. "The world just tries to take, take, take." Then we are used up, resentful, and feel like our tank is empty. That's because it is!

When you car is getting low on gas, you have to go get gas or it won't run at all. Then it becomes pretty useless. With an empty tank it can't do much of anything. It is the same with people. We have to take care of ourselves or we will be pretty useless, too.

So saying "no" can be a survival skill we need in order to get ourselves to the filling station! Build in time for yourself to do things that nurture you. People have various ways of nurturing themselves. It may be simply taking a few minutes each day to be quiet and alone. Or it may be music that fills your soul. Or you may have a creative hobby that takes you out of the chaos for a little while.

We also need to nourish our bodies, get adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and plenty of water. It's like your car. If you do regular maintenance, give it proper fuel, and upkeep it will serve you long and well. If you run it too fast for too long and don't take care of it, it is going to wear out more quickly.

The trouble is that many of us take better care of our car than we do ourselves! Take a minute right now and check your indicators. How's your body doing?  How's your attitude? Are you feeling happy? Are you eating right and regularly? Are you getting enough rest? Are you doing good self-care? Having some leisure?

I know, I know, you don't think you have time for leisure. But you don't need hours or days of it if you build it in on a regular basis. How about half and hour for a leisurely bath or walk in a park? How about just shutting your eyes and listening to some music? How about taking time to simply chat with a friend who always lightens your mood? These don't require a total lifestyle change.

I like to sew and almost always have a project going. I seldom spend hours at it at a time. I do a little at a time. I also crochet, paint, and read. I know, you are thinking that's easy for me because I'm retired. And you are right. It is easier. But even when working and taking care of a family I managed to sew, crochet, and read a little at a time.

I enjoy creating things. And I even can often combine this self-caring activity that I enjoy with helping others when I have a project that will benefit someone else - as long as I don't set an unreasonable deadline for getting it done. No pressure, just pleasure. Doing for others is sometimes a self-caring activity for me as I get such pleasure from helping. But it can become a drain if I give more time or energy than I have.

Doing things that feel good which don't have negative side effects is important for our well-being. What good can we do if we are worn out and feeling resentful about all the demands we feel on our energy?

Don't forget to explore how many of those demands are ones we make on ourselves. Are you trying to do too much? Give up on becoming Super Woman or Super Man and find good balance in your life.

As well as doing things that feel good, self-care means NOT doing things that feel bad. For me it means limiting the amount of time I am around negative people, not going to violent movies, and staying away from places where people tend to become argumentative and loud. For you it may be different. You may want to stop activities that leave you feeling bad about yourself. You might look at your expectations of yourself and decide that you are being a bit unreasonable. Sometimes doing less can mean more time and energy for the things that really matter for you.

And another way of caring for yourself is to change the way you talk to yourself. Monitor your self-talk to see if you are being negatively critical. Do you hear yourself saying things like "That was stupid" and other similar phrases? Do you tell yourself you look awful or that you never do anything right? Listen to what goes through your mind and ask yourself if you would talk to someone else like that or if you'd want them to say that to you? Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others! Try promising yourself that you will never say to yourself anything you wouldn't say to another person. I suspect that is a tall order for many of us. But it is worth working on.

So, are you selfish or are you taking care of yourself? Think about it. What did you do today to be kind to yourself and take care of you?

Feeling Powerless? Be Kind

Kindness and power are related. No, not the "power over" kind of power. The power that is exercised with kindness is the power within. Our inner power gives us our sense of being. Kindness shows us we have power "over ourselves and our choices, and over whether this world is a cruel or wondrous pace to live." (A Short Course in Kindness by Margot Silk Forrest.)

Exercising the capacity for kindness strengthens our power to change our thoughts, our behavior, to reach out to someone we've wronged, and the power to treat ourselves more kindly. Personal power is all about choice. When we are aware of our choices and our ability to make different choices we are truly in charge of our lives.

Viktor Frankl learned this truth in Auschwitz where he was imprisoned during WWII. In his book Man's Search for Meaning he wrote: "the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way... Fundamentally . . . any man can . . .  decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually." [If you have never read this book, I recommend it. He tells the story of his imprisonment as an inmate who was beaten, starved, deprived of sleep, worked beyond endurance, humiliated, hated, and his friends massacred in the cruelty of concentration camp and how he survived as a whole person.]

How often do we find ourselves feeling powerless over situations because we cannot change them. And our attitude toward those situations cause us great distress until we decide to change our attitude to become more positive. We are not asked to like the situation. We are charged with the responsibility to determine what to think, feel, and behave in the face of it. This is our personal power.

To be kind to ourselves and to the world around us we are charged with the chance to live fully in every moment and to look at all that is with eyes of compassion. To do that we let fear and anger and resentment drop away and see ourselves and others as creatures with the same needs and desires, dream, and vulnerabilities.We have more in common that differences.

And this isn't an instant conversion. It is a process of constantly exploring our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and choosing how to respond. It is an evolution. And it requires that we be truly kind to ourselves. Personally, I find this to be the hardest part.

I look in the mirror and instantly see all that I consider to be wrong with how I look. I feel remorse for things I've said or done, or failed to say or do, and have difficulty forgiving myself for unkindnesses in the past.

Why has kindness for ourselves turned into a bad rap? It is labeled self-indulgent, selfish, self-pitying. However, being kind to ourselves only means taking care of ourselves as we would take care of anyone we lived. Without self-care we don't have the energy to care about others. Self-care is the root of kindness to others. If all we do is give to others we are soon empty and eventually rather pathetic.

After showering kindness onto others, take time to rest and take care of yourself. Otherwise you will burn out and not have any energy for others.You will end up angry and resentful and see only the bad in the world and in other people. Putting yourself first in your life is vital to your health. And it is better for others if you do. It is the reason the flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first so that you are better able to help others with theirs. Life is like that.

How do you take care of yourself? What replenishes you? Do you struggle with feelings of guilt about taking care of yourself first?