Tell Me About It!

The first seven steps of the strategy for curbing hate have been explored in the previous posts. The final three may not be as simple. Let's see if we can make our way through them.

The eighth step is to avoid being/feeling trapped. It is when we are trapped or powerless and our fear is highest that we easily slip into hating that which has you trapped. Maybe you feel trapped in a relationship, a job, a situation, a conflict. In order to avoid this feeling you'll need to use all of the previous steps, particularly communication and negotiation. You may feel trapped in a job, for instance, start hating to go to work, hating your boss, or hating the organization. To change that you might start by letting people know in a constructive way what specifically you are unhappy with. If possible negotiate some changes. If there really is nothing you can do to change things you might start exploring opportunities elsewhere. Or you might try to put things in a different perspective by viewing your frustrations as creative challenges that can lead to a new level of personal growth.

I was in a job once that I came to hate. I was frustrated that I was not being given the kind of work experiences that I had been promised and there was little chance that it would ever be resolved. There was no chance for me to use the job to get the experience I needed to advance my career. The reason I'd taken that job was no longer there. So I set a different goal. I decided I'd work that job until I had saved three month's worth of living expenses and I would quit. While I was working toward that goal I would look for other employment that would benefit my career. I no longer dreaded going to work because I no longer felt trapped in a dead-end job.

The ninth step is to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. Working together on a mutually beneficial goal builds trust and erodes the divisions we create between Us and Them. Find ways to create opportunities to know more positive qualities of the source of your hate. Create an environment free as possible of prejudice, bigotry, hatred, abuse, and violence. Not easy in our present contentious environment. But seek out positives about that which is hated. Balance the negative news with positive examples.

We are just now beginning to see stories on the news and on the internet about various faith communities working for the good of those of other faiths. We hear about police departments getting to know the citizens of their communities and neighborhoods by doing positive activities. We watch various segments of the community reaching out to other segments to solve mutual problems. When we create balance in what we experience we can be less and less likely to see others in stereotypical ways.

And finally, seek justice and not revenge. Now here's the hard part. Most people just want to "get even." The reality is, however, that seeking revenge puts you farther behind in the whole situation. Vengeful hatred anchors you in the past. Where hate dominates, grievances are never forgotten. The cycle of revenge and retaliation goes on and on, sometimes for centuries. No one wins!

Where do you start to break the cycle? Apologizing is a step in the right direction. It takes a big person to apologize. Many seem to find it impossible. In long-standing cycles of revenge and retaliation, individual leaders need to offer specific, heartfelt apologies as a beginning toward reconciling and developing mutual empathy. Recently Pope Francis apologized to victims of sexual abuse by clerics and is cooperating in bringing religious leaders to court. The only path to peace in the Middle East is through reconciliation. Both sides must come together, acknowledge the specific wrongdoings and mistakes to the other, and negotiate compromises to reconcile their differences.

But the apology must be perceived as sincere, which isn't easy in a suspicious and cynical atmosphere. Forgiveness does not come easily. However, there is no peace without moving on to justice through forgiveness. The conviction in the courts of those guilty of crime helps bring a fresh start to healing of warring or disputing factions.However, lingering prejudice and hated make these kinds of problems intractable. Moving through the steps of this strategy to curb hate with constant focus on the common humanity and unique individuality of adversaries and a sincere attempt to understand their positons and feelings, is far more likely to lead to genuine solutions. Protest signs that say "No Justice, No Peace" are right. But the justice must come through forgiveness and empathy on both sides.

Peace comes at a price. We often think the price is war. But that isn't so. The price is giving up hatred and working for common goals. War has yet to result in true peace with justice.

So, what do you think? Can we reduce hate? Is peace possible? Tell me about it.

What examples of hate have you seen recently? What was the harm?

What do you find hardest to forgive? What apology would you most want to hear?

Tell me about it!

How to keep Hate from Disrupting Life

We are continuing to address ways to curb hate. Let's look at the next few steps as ways to prevent hate from disrupting your life.

If you have worked through the previous steps (outlined in the previous few posts) you may now be able to find the opportunity to negotiate constructively and specifically to resolve sources of conflict and anger. After discovering what it is specifically that distresses you about the other and you are communicating rationally, it is time to look at where changes can be made by both parties. Perhaps when you understand more about them you can realize that only a change in your perspective is necessary to resolve the hate and anger. Or each of you can discuss how compromise may be made in the situation. Perhaps your hate comes from fear of the other, fear they will harm you in some way.

• Once that is examined there may be ways you can resolve that fear with more knowledge about the other. Educate yourself and others with more specific knowledge about the individual, group, or culture. The more specifics you have the less likely you are to fall into stereotypes that breed hate by dehumanizing the other.  Education must incorporate empathy, specificity, and the other elements of this strategy to curb hate. The information you acquire needs to come from various perspectives, not just from others who are steeped in hate-speech and stereotypical thinking. The United States of America is one of the best educated country in the world, yet hate and hate-speech abound. Stereotyping is lazy thinking. And even educated people can be lazy. You need to go beyond the labels and stereotypes.

• Having raised your awareness about the many facets of the individual, group, or culture, you can more easily cooperate with the other in mutually beneficial ways wherever possible. Working together on something positive builds trust. Trust can replace feelings of hate. It isn't necessary to trust them completely with everything. Build it a bit at a time. It is great to see police departments working with neighborhoods to build trust. Some are handing out ice cream. Some are building playgrounds and recreation opportunities. Some are visiting schools for extracurricular activities. I've seen where groups of different faiths are building worship spaces for them to share and groups of one faith are reaching out to help people in need who are of a different faith. These are all building trust and lowering anger and hate.

• When you find yourself feeling hate, try to put things into perspective instead of overreacting. Ask yourself if you fear is based on reality and if it is as important as you think. Is the anger from that fear worth the level of hate you are experiencing? Exploring your feelings rationally often can resolve those that distress you unduly. We can get addicted to the rush of Adrenalin from anger, but addiction costs us the ability to think clearly and act reasonably. Relationships suffer and opportunities are missed. Ask yourself honestly, how important is it? What could you do to deal with the situation without feeding the anger?

You are on the way toward curbing anger. In my next post we will explore the final steps in the strategy. We can make our lives and our world better when we have curbed hatred. You are well on your way.

The Nature of Evil?

Is evil just part of human nature? Obviously we all have the opportunity to do evil acts. But are we, by nature, evil beings? What is evil?

An evil act does not mean the person doing it is absolutely evil. They may very will feel they have no choice. Or they may chose that behavior believing it it is for the common good.

When a police officer abuses his power by using unnecessary force on an offender, for instance., it is an evil act. Yet the officer himself is not evil. The situation created his actions. You can imagine what may have been going through his mind at the time. And his habitual use of violence against perceived threat is trained into him, into most of us in our culture..

Our culture of separation supports the us-against-them perspective. And we are programmed to meet violence with violence. And because we live this culture, that "Story of Separation" as Eisenstein calls it, are we evil? Do we act with evil intent? Or do we respond to the situation as we have been programmed?

In this separation culture, hate and the concept of absolute evil are employed to cover our wounds of separation, that pain and fear of feeling alone in the world, Our lack of connection to others, to nature, make us greedy because we believe in scarcity rather than abundance. When everyone has plenty and we live in a sharing economy that rewards generosity, greed is senseless, fear and hate unnecessary.

How different life would be if we used connectivity for conflict resolution. Instead of struggling to overpower the other, we could recognize the goodness in each other and create an attitude of sharing and compassion.  What better resolutions we could find!

So often the fear and anger from past experiences result in a person acting with aggression and greed or violence . These old wounds must be healed before their actions can change. They may not trust you because their trust has been so broken tn the past that it is too difficult for them to trust again.

If you can manage to meet their hostility with respect and acceptance, your trust may then beget trust in them. Meet fear with compassion. Try to step into their situation, their point of view.

This doesn't mean you take a victim stance. You must remain assertive. You can only do this when you are in the position of  the strength off your connectivity, knowing you have what you need, your awareness of abundance. You are strongly connected to your "human-ness", to your inner being.

I know that sometimes it may feel good to have someone "inhuman" to hate without qualification: "They are just evil." The world appears to be simpler if you just get rid of them. However, this only widens the gap of separation and perpetrates the culture of separation, violence, hate, and war."The purpose of responding non-violently isn't to show what a good person you are. It isn't even to be a good person. It comes, rather , from a simple understanding of the truth"(1)

 The truth is that while we each experience a unique place in this life, we are also all connected to all that is. Like the blind men and the elephant, we each have a different perspective through which we experience a situation. And this influences our reaction to it. (However, the elephant is still an elephant.) But this doesn't mean we can't share our perspectives and perhaps change the situation, then change our behaviors. Perhaps our shared perspectives can help the us learn that the situation isn't threatening at all.

This hasn't been an easy post to write. It challenges so much of my own experience and old habits. Yet I want to be more compassionate more of the time. This kind of compassion is the only influence I have in creating a more beautiful world for myself and for others.

I understand I may be only one drop of water on the stone. But I don't want to waste my chance to wear it way. Won't you join me? Together we could create a waterfall.

(1) The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know  Is Possible by Charles Eisenstein

Today's daily dozen to-do list:

• Take a double batch of cookies or a couple dozen doughnuts with a Thank You card to a fire station for the men and women who respond to emergencies.
•  Give a Starbucks "Thank You" gift card to a police officer.
• Verbally thank a military personnel or veteran for his or her service.
• Do something nice for someone who really bugs you. Imagine where their irritating behavior might come from and consider how they may be like you.
• Be extra nice to the next person that you see being rude. Maybe their rudeness reflects their woundedness.
• Select someone you feel needs a special lift, and send them an uplifting card or give them flowers or a potted plant from your garden
• Forgive a debt. You have what you need without it.
• Return anything you may have borrowed with a "Thank You!"
• Donate non-violent books or magazines to the jail for the prisoners to fill their time.
• Support a prison ministry through a church or civic organization.
• Volunteer to mentor or tutor teens through the YWCA/YMCA or other organization for youth.
• Collaborate with friends to bake cookies and brownies to deliver to the night shift hospital emergency room staff.