It's Up to You

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

I confess that I hadn't done a blog post for this day until last night. I'd been wondering what to write. I watched an episode of Father Brown on PBS. It was built around a radio show called "It's Up to You". That got me to thinking.

So much of what we experience in our lives is up to us. Maybe not the event itself, but how we feel about it when we experience it, and how we continue to keep it in our memory and recall the feelings when we think about it.

There is a TV add that says "Christmas is what you make it." They were hoping to sell you something that was intended to make your Christmas memorable. But is isn't the thing that matters. It is how you perceive it. 

That is an important message for me. I have trouble with the days leading up to the holiday. I really dislike the rush to get lots done by a certain day/time. I get overwhelmed and exhausted to the point that I'm unwell, and not liking Christmas at all!

And - it is up to Me! I do that to myself! I make decisions to do this and that to get ready for guests and celebrations. I think I should make everything right and good. I should get just the right gift for everyone. I should get the house spotless and festively decorated. I should get cards in the mail soon enough for them to arrive before Christmas. I should fix meals for guests that they will love. And on and on. 

That is called "shoulding on myself." That is my choice. I can't blame anyone but myself. And since I've been disabled it weighs even more heavily, because everything is even harder for me to do. It wears me out sooner. It makes me ill.

Of course, preparation for a holiday isn't the only decision that are up to me [you]. Everything we do is a decision, everything - thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions.. And it is helpful that we acknowledge that. for that is our personal power.

And when we are aware of our personal power we can use it to make our lives better, more honest, more accountable. It can keep us grounded in reality. 

I know most of us think we have no control of our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and reactions. But we really do. We can change our thoughts, which determine our feelings. We can change our beliefs when we learn more. And our reactions are a product of all of the above.

When I worked with inmates in the prisons, one of the things I taught was just that, the personal power to experience life as it comes and as we choose it. I gave the example of two inmates who get visits on visiting day from their spouse. Both learn that their spouse is pregnant. One inmate is overjoyed. It's his first child and was excited about becoming a father. The second inmate was stunned and angry. He'd wanted children too. 

What was the difference? The first inmate had only been incarcerated for a couple of months. The second inmate had been incarcerated for more than a year.  There was no way he was the father of the child.

Now the inmates would say that of course the second inmate would be angry. His wife was pregnant by another man. But what if he'd been wanting to be a father so much and loved his wife so much that he was willing to be the father of a child that was the result of a one-night -stand. He loved his wife enough to forgiver her and to celebrate a future with her and the child.

It is up to you what you think, feel, and believe. And it is up to you how you respond.

And it is up to me to slow down and stop worrying about having everything just so.

What about you? What do you need to change in the moment? Are you willing to consider that you have this personal power? Are you willing to confront situations where you might want to change what you think, feel or believe in order to have a better life and a more peaceful holiday? Or any day, for that matter. 

The next time you find yourself getting upset, stressed, anxious, etc., try using your personal power to have a better outcome.

Kindness Matters

Why be kind? Because kindness heals. It heals pain, your own and others. And there is so much pain in the world right now. We can make the world - and ourselves - better by being kind.

For me, the most meaningful statement in the book We Can Be Kind, by David Friedman, is the reminder that kindness is a choice. This gives us the personal power to change any situation by remembering to be kind, to ourselves and to others.

Even when I am in physical pain from my disability it is so easy to slip into unkind thoughts and behaviors. Doing this only makes my pain worse and can cause emotional pain in those to whom I am unkind. The best way to deal with my pain is to acknowlege it, experience it, and explore my feelings at the time. I can choose to calmly let go of the negative self-talk and the nastiness my words or behavior that surface.

You see, I blame myself for my pain. I'm fat. I've not taken good care of my body when I was younger. I push myself to do more than I should. Etc. None of that lessens the pain. And if I snap at someone else and spread pain to them, I feel bad about that too. So I'm learning to let go of the tension and let the pain move through and not pass it on to others.

The hard part for me is the challenge of seeing cruelty all around. And it is something I cannot control. When there is nothing I can do about a situation, what I can do is be kind. At first I thought that meant to be "nice" or "quiet" about someone's behavior. But another thing that is powerful about the power to chose is that you can choose HOW to be kind.

"Sometimes kindness is being nice: holding a door, telling someone theylook nice, giving a gift, being polite. Sometimes kindness is being tough: refusing to enable an addict, telling an overly dependent child they're on their own, not bailing someone out financially when they need to learn how to do it themselves. Sometimes kindness is telling the  thruth (when someone's hearing the truth would help them or the situation,) Sometimes kindness is not telling the truth (when the truth would only hurt someone and not do any good). In every circumstance, before you act, think to yourself,  "What would be the kindest thing I could do at this moment?" and do that." ... We Can Be Kind, by David Friedman

 Right now we need to be kind. And the great thing is that you and I CAN be kind.

Let's make the world a better place: Be Kind.

We Can Do Better

With so much of our energies focused on profit, the United States has fallen short on comparisons with other countries in other areas.

"The USA may still lead the world in GDP and rank highly in such stats as population and human development index, but its lag in other key categories is alarming. You’ve heard about the education gap, but did you know that U.S. students’ math scores are among the lowest in the developed world? Charles M. Blow and the New York Times put together this infographic comparing the U.S. to other countries by 9 key metrics: The U.S. comes in at “worst of the worst” in four categories and “worst” in two more, with zero “best” rankings."
https://www.themarysue.com/us-compared-to-other-countries/

Life is about so much more than money. We can do better. We can work together to create a better quality of life for ALL people in America. We can return to being the hope of the world.

But it won't be easy and it won't be quick. We have to support initiatives that build people up. We need to get behind improving our educational system by teaching kids how to think, how to reason, how to make good decisions. This isn't something learned by rote memory. I'm not even sure there are tests that can measure that. But we have at least one generation, probably more than one, that lacks these life skills.

Math and science are important. And just as important are creative arts. When people have basic knowledge and their creativity is encouraged they can create solutions to all kinds of problems.

We need to push for wage equality and food security. Families can survive, let alone thrive, on minimum wage and monthly trips to a food pantry. We must see that children are educated and able to work, yes. AND we need to be sure there are jobs for them and their parents to move into.

You are probably thinking that you can't do anything about any of this. But that is where you are wrong. We are the people who hold the keys. We can vote into office progressive people who will support these initiatives in our cities, states, and nation.

We are also the people who can support organizations that push for these improvements. We do that with donations, volunteering, sharing information, and letting those organizations know that we think they are doing important work.

It is easy to feel small and helpless. But when we do, we give up or personal power. We really can't afford to do that.

So let's find an area we support and get busy!

You Are One

The Power of One

You are one. What are you doing to use your power to create love in the world?

Really. What ARE you doing?

What did you do yesterday? What did/will you do today?

What will you do tomorrow?

Notice how you use your power.

Conflict, don't diffuse it.

Take twenty minutes to see this video from YouTube.

>How did you learn to deal with conflict growing up? When I grew up conflict was cold silence. I learned to "stuff it". I learned to be a victim. What about you?

>How did you deal with being vulnerable in your childhood? What do you do now? I grew up with the belief that being vulnerable was part of being a female and I just had to deal with it by giving in. I was in my mid thirties before I realized I had personal power and could say "no." Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" became my theme song and I learned assertiveness. I learned about women's rights and communication. It changed my life.  What about you?

>What do you get curios about? Can you get curious about what is involved in conflict? How good are you at seeing things from more than one perspective? I'm curious about almost everything, especially people. And my ability to see more than one perspective has grown through the years, making relationships richer. What about you?

Can you look at conflict a bit differently now? I want to use the energy of conflict to create more peaceful resolutions. 

Feeling Powerless? Be Kind

Kindness and power are related. No, not the "power over" kind of power. The power that is exercised with kindness is the power within. Our inner power gives us our sense of being. Kindness shows us we have power "over ourselves and our choices, and over whether this world is a cruel or wondrous pace to live." (A Short Course in Kindness by Margot Silk Forrest.)

Exercising the capacity for kindness strengthens our power to change our thoughts, our behavior, to reach out to someone we've wronged, and the power to treat ourselves more kindly. Personal power is all about choice. When we are aware of our choices and our ability to make different choices we are truly in charge of our lives.

Viktor Frankl learned this truth in Auschwitz where he was imprisoned during WWII. In his book Man's Search for Meaning he wrote: "the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way... Fundamentally . . . any man can . . .  decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually." [If you have never read this book, I recommend it. He tells the story of his imprisonment as an inmate who was beaten, starved, deprived of sleep, worked beyond endurance, humiliated, hated, and his friends massacred in the cruelty of concentration camp and how he survived as a whole person.]

How often do we find ourselves feeling powerless over situations because we cannot change them. And our attitude toward those situations cause us great distress until we decide to change our attitude to become more positive. We are not asked to like the situation. We are charged with the responsibility to determine what to think, feel, and behave in the face of it. This is our personal power.

To be kind to ourselves and to the world around us we are charged with the chance to live fully in every moment and to look at all that is with eyes of compassion. To do that we let fear and anger and resentment drop away and see ourselves and others as creatures with the same needs and desires, dream, and vulnerabilities.We have more in common that differences.

And this isn't an instant conversion. It is a process of constantly exploring our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and choosing how to respond. It is an evolution. And it requires that we be truly kind to ourselves. Personally, I find this to be the hardest part.

I look in the mirror and instantly see all that I consider to be wrong with how I look. I feel remorse for things I've said or done, or failed to say or do, and have difficulty forgiving myself for unkindnesses in the past.

Why has kindness for ourselves turned into a bad rap? It is labeled self-indulgent, selfish, self-pitying. However, being kind to ourselves only means taking care of ourselves as we would take care of anyone we lived. Without self-care we don't have the energy to care about others. Self-care is the root of kindness to others. If all we do is give to others we are soon empty and eventually rather pathetic.

After showering kindness onto others, take time to rest and take care of yourself. Otherwise you will burn out and not have any energy for others.You will end up angry and resentful and see only the bad in the world and in other people. Putting yourself first in your life is vital to your health. And it is better for others if you do. It is the reason the flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first so that you are better able to help others with theirs. Life is like that.

How do you take care of yourself? What replenishes you? Do you struggle with feelings of guilt about taking care of yourself first?

You Can't Make Me!

Remember that childhood retort? Well, it certainly is true of kindness. Someone or something might pressure you be nice or polite. But true kindness comes from your heart and only you can choose it. " Every genuinely kind act in this world is a result of someone having chosen to do it if their own free will."*

Being kind is a private matter involving our heart, head and soul. Choice is our personal power. Only you can make choices for yourself. Yes, sometimes the pressure toward certain choices can be strong. But you have to make the choice about how to respond. And each choice is important to you because our choices determine who we are. And every choice is an opportunity to change who we are - for better or worse.

When we are kind our words and actions make a statement about who we are. "An act of kindness is an act of self-expression."* So knowing your true self helps you make choices that are good for you, as well as for others.

This is where courage comes in. Sometimes we are not kind because we are afraid - afraid we will be taken advantage of, afraid that opening your heart will result in rejection, afraid because you don't know how the other will react, afraid to let your true self be seen.. Sometimes kindness means making tough decisions. Kindness is not for whimps!

There are always people who will try to make you feel bad when we show our vulnerability. But you have a choice. You can choose to do it anyway. If your life is defined by other people's opinion of you, you will never be happy or fulfilled, because you will never please everyone. Decide who you want to be - and be it!

When you risk being kind you are becoming more human. You connect with people who need your help as kin - we are all related. You make human contact with them and remind them that they are part of the human family. You also reaffirm your humanity to yourself.

So, be kind. It is ultimately who your are.

* A short course in kindness by Margot Silk Forrest