Fear: I See It Everywhere

The only way to diminish all the anger and violence is to reduce the fear. Anger or pain are the most common causes of fear.

People feel angry when they fear losing something important to them, or when they are in pain. Remember the last time you stubbed your toe or hit your finger with the hammer? What word did you say - or at least want to say?

So, we see a lot of anger and violence, and we seem to have trouble understanding why. It is because of all the fear and pain (including emotional pain) people are experiencing.

People are afraid to wear masks because they think they will lose their right to choose more than they fear the Covid 19 virus. They tell themselves that they wouldn't die of it, and usually don't consider that they might have permanent organ damage from it.

People are in pain from losing jobs, income, the ability to provide for their family. They are in pain from losing social interactions, from losing loved ones to Covid-19, from dealing with so many changes in their lifestyles. People fear they will lose their home, their belongings. They lose contact with their elderly family members in long term senior facilities.They fear losing their plans and dreams of their future.

People are afraid of losing things that they care about. Some of their fears are realistic - but not all. Many are based on "what ifs" that have very little chance of happening. Some are things they can prevent if they put their minds to it and ask for help. Some are things they are told or seen in the media that are just not true. The T.V. and Internet send out false information to sensationalize the information and to manipulate the public to do or not do things.

People fear themselves. Well, actually they fear learning who they are at their center. And all this time of quarantine and isolation leaves them without their usual busyness, and they are confronted with "empty time". For many, this is very scary, and they frantically fill it with TV marathons and constant time on their cell phones and internet checking out all the sensationalized posts.. Or they compulsively cook or bake and eat. Or their addictive behaviors get out of control.

Depression and anxiety increase. We hear of more and more suicides and murders.

Fear and distrust multiply when the truth and lies compete for their attention. This is why we see so much anger and violence. This is what we must confront in order to find our way of the chaos.

Start by looking within yourself. Get to know your own feelings of fear and develop a method that helps you confront your own fears. Then listen to others to learn what supports their anger or pain. 

It is only when we reduce the pain and anger, the situations that create those  feelings, that we can begin to reduce the chaos. We must provide accurate and true information and confront the false, manipulative information. We must teach ourselves and others how to deal with those fears, to confront the likelihood of the occurrence of what is feared and/or develop plans for how to prevent or deal with them if they do.

We need to take back the power of truth, honesty, integrity. It is time that we addressed the problems and not just the symptoms, the pain and fear and not just the anger and violence. Of course, we can't ignore the violence, but we must work extraordinarily hard to reduce the pain and fear that fuels it.

We must make peace in our communities and our country. We can't wait for someone else to do it. We must invest our time, energy, money in changing the experiences that cause pain and fear.

Only we can make this a better world

Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

Hate, Anger, Violence

There seems to be a lot of hate, anger, and violence in our country right now.  I think it is rather staggering how much is evidenced. It isn't just in the media, even though that is where it is seen so often. It is also in the actions of what are otherwise average everyday people.

This week a friend has been treated with blatant bigotry by workers who have been contracted by her landlord to do work on her rental property. They have been not only rude but also verbally abusive. My friend is afraid that if she complains to the landlord, who is a friend of the workers, she will be asked to leave her home. They don't have a lease and she is disabled with little income.

The workers must be afraid of her different-ness. That is the usual base of bigotry. People too often fear what they don't understand.

Fear seems to rule much of the misbehavior around us. People who are afraid easily become angry, hateful, violent in word or deed. It is a vicious cycle. Too many of us now are caught up in a culture of fear.

We need to break that cycle. More than ever we need to practice kindness. Acts of kindness can mitagate the negative feelings and actions of others. Kindness can create a culture of caring. We need a tidal wave of Random Acts of Kindness.

I'm copying my March 7, 2018 post because it addresses this perfectly. Here it is again:

The Kindness Campaign encourages you to do acts of kindness every day. Some folks have trouble thinking of things to do, at least until they get into the habit of finding ways to be kind. So, if you need some ideas I'll try to list some for you.

Be aware of what others are doing. Who might you assist? Take your time at the grocery store so you can be aware of someone who might not be able to reach the top shelf, or someone who could use help putting their grocery bags into their car.

Is there an elderly person who needs help with something they are no longer able to do themselves? Do you know someone who dosn't have a car and could use a ride?

To whom might you verbalize your thanks for what they do? Be aware of all the things others do to maker life better or easier for someone and thank them for their behaviors. Have you told a wait-staff person thank you for their specific service? Or maybe you see someone in uniform [armed services, or emergency first-responders]. Tell them you are grateful for the work they do. There is a long list of service people that seldom get thanked, or even noticed. Thank your janitor at work and your spouse at home.

Look around wherever you are for little things you might do, like pick up litter, put shopping carts where they belong, re-shelve something that has been dropped on the floor at a store. Put away a family members scattered items when they are having a hard day. Take over a chore from someone who could just use a break.

Drop a card in the mail for someone you haven't seen in a while, or for someone who is ill or having a struggle with something tough. Write a letter to someone who seldom gets mail, maybe an elderly person confined to home or a facility.

Start visiting someone who is in a facility that has few visitors . Even if you have never met, you can make a new friend and make their day.

Invite a friend or two to come for a meal.

Maybe you can baby sit for a busy mom who could just use a couple of child-free hours.

Have you noticed that these acts of kindness are very inexpensive? You don't have to be wealthy to make a difference in someone's life.

Yes, they might take a little time. So slow down a little and make time for being kind.

And I know that you can think of things yourself when you make Kindness your intent. Kindness is contageous. Pass it on.

 

What Does Peace Look Like?

If we want to find peace it would help to know what it looks like. How else will we know when we find it? There seems to be little peace in the world right now, right? Or is it that we just don't recognize it when we see it?

Can you describe peace? Some people define peace as the absence of conflict. But I don't believe that is it. I think conflict is natural, even necessary. For without conflict, would there be change? And without change all simply dies. No, it's not the absence of conflict. It is how we humans resolve conflict.

Let's look more closely at conflict. Conflict occurs when one entity has something the other entity needs. [We will, for the moment, accept a strong want as a need.] We have been taught to share on the one hand or to take by force on the other hand. As we grow into adulthood the culture more and more emphasizes taking by force. You have it - I want it - I'll take it from you one way or another. 

Violence has become enjoyable, entertaining, and more and more acceptable. And the bigger the entity the more likely violence will become overt and physical, as in wars. So where do we find peaceful resolution of conflict? If we learned it in childhood, why don't we continue using it in adulthood? 

Peaceful resolution requires that we make compassionate contact with each other. Little kids get it. Joey sees that Johnny needs to have his turn with the toy and that Johnny feels bad because he doesn't have the toy. Recognizing Johnny's feelings and caring about Johnny, Joey lets Johnny play with the toy. 

The resolution comes through experiencing the other's feelings, through empathy. This is a very adult thing for a kid to do, don't you think? Or is it that it is a very "natural" thing to do and that is why kids can do it intuitively and adults usually have to work at it?


What do you think? 
What kind of conflicts do you experience during a normal day? 
How do you resolve them? 
Would you share an example with us in the comments? 
We will be exploring how to bring more peaceful resolution of conflicts as we go along. 
Please participate so we get more perspective. 

Hate at First Sight? Ten Ways to Break the Cycle of Hate

Hate seems to be popping up everywhere these days. What is hate, anyway? And why do we react to it so strongly? Can hate be useful? Is it harmful? Can it be neutralized?

The dictionary defines hate as "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry." While hate is always around, somehow the current intensity is extreme. Is it contagious? Where does it come from?

I think it comes from a society that has become more and more separate. We have become more disconnected, which makes it harder to see others as people just like us. Hate dehumanizes its victims. 

Hate can be in a number of forms - religious hatred, racial hatret, national hatred, ethnic hatred, class hatred, political hatred, and on and on. And it threatens the well-being of all of us. With the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, unbridled hatred can result in horrendous tragedy.

Neuroscience has studied the structures and chemicals in the human brain generating negative emotions, such as hate and fear, with the hope of curbing its terrible influence in the world. This is important because, as we have seen, blasts of hate sweep away civility and tolerance, spurring individuals to commit acts of savagery and pitting group against group in combat that can become vicious and deadly. 911, Orlando's club Pulse, terrorism around the world are examples that are all too fresh in our minds.

Nazi Germany was caught up in it and committed unspeakable acts of torture and genocide. The slaughter of Native Americans in the 19th Century and the oppression and terrorism in the Middle East today are all part of this madness.A history filled with hatred fueled violence is long and bloody: The wars of religion that ripped Europe apart, the Napoleonic Wars, the 75 years of ferocious hot and cold world wars begun in Sarajevo in 1914 through the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. And the cycle of violence may be starting again. It must be rooted out of not only the caves of Afghanistan but also out of the human mind.

Our brains don't come pre-programmed to hate. However, certain fears appear to be innate forms of survival. Fear and hate are closely related, however. When fear becomes chronic we develop hate for that which we fear. Hate becomes an instant response to the feared object. We develop a severe aversion to it. We learn to hate.

Research also suggests that hate develops when people are feeling trapped, overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness. And the more separate we become the less power we seem to have and the easier it becomes to feel trapped.

And how do we approach the task of rooting hate out of our minds? We certainly don't do it by stoking the fires of hatred with hate speech and fear-mongering. We don't do it by dividing people into categories. We don't do it by limiting choices and reducing personal power over one's life. We don't do it by looking at people as "other", as "not us." 

Rush W. Dozier, Jr. in Why We Hate, Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World suggests ten strategies "that, when used in tandem, could prevent hate from ever developing and minimize or eliminate hate where it has taken hold." These strategies are: be specific, empathize, communicate, negotiate, educate, cooperate, put things in perspective, avoid feeling trapped, immerse yourself, and seek justice not revenge. He writes that "each of these strategies is designed to maintain the advanced neural system's control over the darker forces of the primitive neural system and end the vicious cycle of hate."

Let's look at how this might work. 

1. Be specific. Identify any source of anger, pain,or threat specifically. This keeps it rational. This is especially important with children. Rather than a general negative comment help the child see what specifically is involved, with the focus on that rather than labeling the child as deficient in some way. So what is it about someone or something that distresses you and how is that specific to that person or thing rather than lumping into a category that dehumanizes and separates.
2. Empathize. Look at the "other" as "us". Seek to understand the other's thoughts and feelings. Put yourself in their shooes. If you can understand what specifically motivates them, you stand a better chance of reaching accord with them, or at least coming up with the best strategy for outwitting them. Recognize  our common humanity. Refuse to ostracize, stigmatize or demonize the object of your hatred. When we empathize we are not likely to fall into mindless hostility and demonization. The more you exercise empathy the the stronger it becomes. The brain is programmed to learn.
3. Communicate. Simply communicating the specific reasons that you feel angry or threatened can help dissipate negative emotions. Again, it is important to be specific in your communication. If you only talk about your negative feelings in generalities and streotypes [hate speech], anger can be intensified and hatred fueled.
4. Negotiate. Seek to negotiate constructively and specifically toward a resolution of confict and anger. Good two-way communication can help bring about healthy compromise. 
5. Educate - yourself and others. So much of hate and prejudice comes from sheer ignorance. The more specific knowledge about an individual group, or culture you have the less likely you are to buy into stereotypes - the breeding ground of hate. Sophisticated and rigorous education tends to be good for the brain, allowing it to serve as a defense against primitive urges and impulses of violent responses. Education must, however, include empathy, specificity, and other elements of this strategy.
6. Cooperate. Whenever possible, work with others in beneficial ways. This builds bonds of trust to replace feelings of hate. Working with others to achieve a common goal can erase the us-them divisions. 
7. Put things in perspective rather than overreacting. Evaluate if your anger is really worth it or if the threat is really that important. Going thourgh this analytical exercise engages the advanced neural centers of the brain and suppresses the primitive neural system, reducing the "knee jerk" reactivity.
8. Avoid feeling trapped.  Use all the previous steps in this strategy. If you are unhappy in a situation, let people know in a constructive way and negotiate some changes. If you discover there is nothing you can do tho change things, start exploring opportunities elsewhere or put things in a different perspective by redefining the frustrations you feel as creative challenges that could lead you to a new level of personal growth. Exploring frustrations a challenges rather than problems helps you use creative problem-solving skills and your personal power to change.
9. Immerse yourself. Make every effort to seek out opportunities to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. Positive immersion, like cooperation and working toward a common goal, tends to activate subconscious mechanisms that erode us-them divisions and primitive emotions. Children tend to quickly absorb bigotry and hatred in their environment, creating lifelong biological consequences of immersion in a negative environment. This can result in neurochemical abnormalities in their limbic systems, leaving them with a permanent tendency to overreact to threats.
10. Seek justice, not revenge. Vengeance tends to lock us into the past. Grievances are never forgotten and the cycle of revenge and retaliation go on for centuries. Nelson Mandela knew this and created a justice system of forgiveness and restitution for his nation to create peace and greater harmony.

Hate is, of course, irrational and quickly becomes habitual. It is resistant to change. Unlike other habits it is often linked to elaborate rationalizations produced by the advanced neural system. People come to believe passionately the warped meaning systems, fooling themselves into thinking they are being completely reasonable when they aren't. Hate can be delusional. People may honestly believe they are doing the right thing. 

As you can see, reducing and eliminating hate isn't easy. It takes focused and persistent effort. However, if we want a world at peace we will need to work diligently at it.

Consider what you hate, what threatens you, what you fear. Look at it with this strategy and see if it makes a difference. Which step worked best for you?

Well explore these steps in the upcoming posts. Be sure to check back. Or subscribe to my blog and follow as they are published.

*Why We Hate: Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World by Rush W. Dozier, Jr.

Doubt, Fear, and Pain

Doubt, fear, and pain have an important role in changing the world. When we act from our authentic inter-being we cannot ignore or deny them. Instead of covering up or denying these feelings, however, we need to experience them and heal their deep wound. To not do so only leads us to create more separation and pain in all we do. Doing this healing generates courage for us to act in gentleness and love.

Granted there will be situations when on-violence will not resolve the conflict. But most situations do not require force or violence, even though we have been conditioned to respond that way. Separation is built ito our language, the language of vioence. Have you ever noticed how many situations are addressed as "war"? For instance, the "war on drugs" does nothing to address the causes of drug abuse or the economic factors that influence the trafficking of drugs. No wonder the "war on drugs" isn't working

What other "wars" do you hear about in the media? Do any of them address the need for society to change the situations that create the problem? Most of the time it is the situation that has caused the conflict. When we address the situation as cause we can begin to resolve the conflict.

How about the 'war on poverty'? What is at the base of this problem? There is no doubt that the world produces enough of everything that all creatures need to thrive. So what, then, is the problem? Why are there parts of the world where children are dying of hunger and/or preventable diseases? Consider how our sense of separation maintains this problem.

There is really no excuse for wide-spread poverty.The earth is rich with all we need. Yet policies of fear and greed keep governments from sharing that wealth. Even on the personal level many people are afraid to share what they have with "the others." That sense of "us against them", this is what separates and makes it possible to greedily hold on to what we have, even though we have more than enough.

Consider this definition of wealth: "the ease and freedom to be generous." (1) In a community where we know we will be taken care of by those around us. If we run out of what we need, those we are connected to, where we have a close connection with the land and a sense of belonging, we are confident that there is enough to share. We can be generous. We never fear not having enough.

Instead, though, most of us, at least in the Western world,, live in a culture of separation. Our inner voice says "if I give,I'll just be taken advantage of." "What if I give and have nothing left and no one takes care of me?" "What if I'm alone in the world?"

It is hard for us to believe that we are truly one with the world. When we know that we are one with the world then we know that what we do to the world we do to ourselves - then generosity is natural. When we give, the world gives back. Generosity creates generosity.

When we experience "lack," when we embrace separateness, we tend to see lack as some malevolent force and we separate even more. Then we mock generosity as foolish naivety. The perspective of lack produces more lack and greed. While the perspective of abundance produces more abundance and generosity.

Examine your own beliefs about lack, your own fears of there not being enough, your own wounds of separation. Knowing that there will always be enough when we are truly connected with all of creation will bring you peace. And this is really the only path to peace in the world.

(1) The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible, by Charles Eisenstein

Today's Daily Dozen To-do List:

• For a charity, volunteer to distribute or deliver clothes, food, and gifts.
• Give a donation to a charity that provides food for hungry children and the elderly.
• Volunteer for Meals on Wheels or a similar meal delivery service. Bring kindness and warmth, as well as food, to the home-bound.
• Compliment a recovering addict or alcoholic on their recovery progress. Be as specific as you can about the changes you've observed.
• Collect goods for a food bank or shelter. Look for canned foods with meat/protein that can be eaten without cooking (tuna, chicken, spaghetti with meat, etc.)
• Keep some ready to eat foods in your car to pass on to homeless folks you see begging. Include travel sized toiletries.
• Share your perspective of abundance with others, reminding them that generosity is contagious.
• Post information on FaceBook about charitable organizations that work to reduce poverty and hunger. Encourage folks to support them.
• Volunteer to work in a garden plot in a depressed area of your city. Help provide fresh produce to families who wouldn't ordinarily be able to afford or shop for them.
• Deliver a protein-rich casserole to elderly folk in depressed areas.
• Make fresh fruit available to local summer youth programs.
• Create a support group for unemployed persons, offering encouragement, information, guidance, appropriate clothing for interviewing.  Invite professionals to speak on relevant topics. Network with the unemployment offices.

The Nature of Evil?

Is evil just part of human nature? Obviously we all have the opportunity to do evil acts. But are we, by nature, evil beings? What is evil?

An evil act does not mean the person doing it is absolutely evil. They may very will feel they have no choice. Or they may chose that behavior believing it it is for the common good.

When a police officer abuses his power by using unnecessary force on an offender, for instance., it is an evil act. Yet the officer himself is not evil. The situation created his actions. You can imagine what may have been going through his mind at the time. And his habitual use of violence against perceived threat is trained into him, into most of us in our culture..

Our culture of separation supports the us-against-them perspective. And we are programmed to meet violence with violence. And because we live this culture, that "Story of Separation" as Eisenstein calls it, are we evil? Do we act with evil intent? Or do we respond to the situation as we have been programmed?

In this separation culture, hate and the concept of absolute evil are employed to cover our wounds of separation, that pain and fear of feeling alone in the world, Our lack of connection to others, to nature, make us greedy because we believe in scarcity rather than abundance. When everyone has plenty and we live in a sharing economy that rewards generosity, greed is senseless, fear and hate unnecessary.

How different life would be if we used connectivity for conflict resolution. Instead of struggling to overpower the other, we could recognize the goodness in each other and create an attitude of sharing and compassion.  What better resolutions we could find!

So often the fear and anger from past experiences result in a person acting with aggression and greed or violence . These old wounds must be healed before their actions can change. They may not trust you because their trust has been so broken tn the past that it is too difficult for them to trust again.

If you can manage to meet their hostility with respect and acceptance, your trust may then beget trust in them. Meet fear with compassion. Try to step into their situation, their point of view.

This doesn't mean you take a victim stance. You must remain assertive. You can only do this when you are in the position of  the strength off your connectivity, knowing you have what you need, your awareness of abundance. You are strongly connected to your "human-ness", to your inner being.

I know that sometimes it may feel good to have someone "inhuman" to hate without qualification: "They are just evil." The world appears to be simpler if you just get rid of them. However, this only widens the gap of separation and perpetrates the culture of separation, violence, hate, and war."The purpose of responding non-violently isn't to show what a good person you are. It isn't even to be a good person. It comes, rather , from a simple understanding of the truth"(1)

 The truth is that while we each experience a unique place in this life, we are also all connected to all that is. Like the blind men and the elephant, we each have a different perspective through which we experience a situation. And this influences our reaction to it. (However, the elephant is still an elephant.) But this doesn't mean we can't share our perspectives and perhaps change the situation, then change our behaviors. Perhaps our shared perspectives can help the us learn that the situation isn't threatening at all.

This hasn't been an easy post to write. It challenges so much of my own experience and old habits. Yet I want to be more compassionate more of the time. This kind of compassion is the only influence I have in creating a more beautiful world for myself and for others.

I understand I may be only one drop of water on the stone. But I don't want to waste my chance to wear it way. Won't you join me? Together we could create a waterfall.

(1) The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know  Is Possible by Charles Eisenstein

Today's daily dozen to-do list:

• Take a double batch of cookies or a couple dozen doughnuts with a Thank You card to a fire station for the men and women who respond to emergencies.
•  Give a Starbucks "Thank You" gift card to a police officer.
• Verbally thank a military personnel or veteran for his or her service.
• Do something nice for someone who really bugs you. Imagine where their irritating behavior might come from and consider how they may be like you.
• Be extra nice to the next person that you see being rude. Maybe their rudeness reflects their woundedness.
• Select someone you feel needs a special lift, and send them an uplifting card or give them flowers or a potted plant from your garden
• Forgive a debt. You have what you need without it.
• Return anything you may have borrowed with a "Thank You!"
• Donate non-violent books or magazines to the jail for the prisoners to fill their time.
• Support a prison ministry through a church or civic organization.
• Volunteer to mentor or tutor teens through the YWCA/YMCA or other organization for youth.
• Collaborate with friends to bake cookies and brownies to deliver to the night shift hospital emergency room staff.