Fear: I See It Everywhere

The only way to diminish all the anger and violence is to reduce the fear. Anger or pain are the most common causes of fear.

People feel angry when they fear losing something important to them, or when they are in pain. Remember the last time you stubbed your toe or hit your finger with the hammer? What word did you say - or at least want to say?

So, we see a lot of anger and violence, and we seem to have trouble understanding why. It is because of all the fear and pain (including emotional pain) people are experiencing.

People are afraid to wear masks because they think they will lose their right to choose more than they fear the Covid 19 virus. They tell themselves that they wouldn't die of it, and usually don't consider that they might have permanent organ damage from it.

People are in pain from losing jobs, income, the ability to provide for their family. They are in pain from losing social interactions, from losing loved ones to Covid-19, from dealing with so many changes in their lifestyles. People fear they will lose their home, their belongings. They lose contact with their elderly family members in long term senior facilities.They fear losing their plans and dreams of their future.

People are afraid of losing things that they care about. Some of their fears are realistic - but not all. Many are based on "what ifs" that have very little chance of happening. Some are things they can prevent if they put their minds to it and ask for help. Some are things they are told or seen in the media that are just not true. The T.V. and Internet send out false information to sensationalize the information and to manipulate the public to do or not do things.

People fear themselves. Well, actually they fear learning who they are at their center. And all this time of quarantine and isolation leaves them without their usual busyness, and they are confronted with "empty time". For many, this is very scary, and they frantically fill it with TV marathons and constant time on their cell phones and internet checking out all the sensationalized posts.. Or they compulsively cook or bake and eat. Or their addictive behaviors get out of control.

Depression and anxiety increase. We hear of more and more suicides and murders.

Fear and distrust multiply when the truth and lies compete for their attention. This is why we see so much anger and violence. This is what we must confront in order to find our way of the chaos.

Start by looking within yourself. Get to know your own feelings of fear and develop a method that helps you confront your own fears. Then listen to others to learn what supports their anger or pain. 

It is only when we reduce the pain and anger, the situations that create those  feelings, that we can begin to reduce the chaos. We must provide accurate and true information and confront the false, manipulative information. We must teach ourselves and others how to deal with those fears, to confront the likelihood of the occurrence of what is feared and/or develop plans for how to prevent or deal with them if they do.

We need to take back the power of truth, honesty, integrity. It is time that we addressed the problems and not just the symptoms, the pain and fear and not just the anger and violence. Of course, we can't ignore the violence, but we must work extraordinarily hard to reduce the pain and fear that fuels it.

We must make peace in our communities and our country. We can't wait for someone else to do it. We must invest our time, energy, money in changing the experiences that cause pain and fear.

Only we can make this a better world

Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

Why Forgive?

A dictionary definition: "Forgive" - to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : 

forgive one's enemies.

The Nature of Forgiveness
Most psychologists recommend mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us and moving on from the past, instead of allowing bitterness and anger to perturb our emotional well-being.
It is critical to remember that forgiveness doesn’t automatically mean a reconciliation. We don’t have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from someone who has hurt us.
Although burying the hatchet usually brings peace to the soul, there may be some exceptions to that advice, such as a case of sexual abuse. Sometimes a victim becomes more empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive.
Equally, and perhaps more important, is learning to acknowledge your missteps and forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is often the first step toward a more loving and positive relationship with yourself, and therefore with others.(Psychology Today-https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness)

Bitterness and anger eat at our souls, disturbing any inner peace. What does it cost to stay angry and bitter? It turns us into negative people whose negative thinking eventually colors everything in our lives. You probably people like that.  They are not mentally healthy individuals.

Some won't forgive because they think that it means they most return to the same relationship or accept the same hurtful behaviors from some one who did the hurting. That is so wrong. It is poor self-care to allow someone to continue treating you badly. Do not accept that behavior from others, or even from yourself. Letting go of bitterness or anger is freeing yourself from that negative attachment.

Self forgiveness may be the hardest part, if you have been blaming yourself for other people's behavior. When you can let go of that self-blame you can be more yourself. You can find inner peace from forgiving.

Let it go. Let go of the anger and free yourself to be the best you possible.

Forgive and Forget? No.

Merriam Webster defines "forgive" as a transitive verb. "to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON" i.e. "forgive one's enemies"

The definition of forgive says nothing about forgetting the offense. Nor does it suggest that you do it to benefit the other person. To forgive frees you from resentment and anger. It benefits you to make you life easier, better, freer.

Forgetting the offense would not be useful. If you forgot it happened, how would you prevent it happening again in the future? Every experience gives us information to us in determining how to make your way with people, how to evaluate situations, etc. No, don't forget.

But do let go of the feelings that may still linger when you remember the event. Forgiveness enables you to clear the slate with people and move on. 

When a community, or group, or country, etc., harbors resentment against another, there is very little trust that can be built. And behavior choices are more likely to be made on the basis of feelings than on fact. How many wars and acts of violence between groups would be avoided if true forgiveness had occurred? 

Forgive others, whether they know it or not. Forgive others, whether they even care or not. Do it for your betterment and to make the world better.

Resolve conflicts peacefully and learn from the experience. Keep your old emotions out of future situations. Let the resentment go.

Forgive.

Where Does Your Anger Come From?

Anger is considered a "secondary emotion" because it is triggered by other "primary emotions" - fear and/or pain.

There is so much anger going around these days. We are in a very anxious/frightening time in our country. And many are feeling pain, emotional pain or physical pain.

So, is anger helpful? That is debatable. Sometimes anger can give us the energy to confront that which we are afraid of or to do something to relieve the pain. That would be helpful if we acted with considerable and thoughtful behavior. All too often, however, we act out with violence, destruction, or denial.

We are seeing a lot of that harmful behavior in the news. Violence is sweeping our nation and taking a toll on all of us. Vandalism as a hate crime, demonstrations that become riots, mass shootings, increased use of drugs and alcohol to blot out feelings, all these are angry behaviors. And they are not at all helpful. They tend to trigger more anger.

We need to examine what is really going on with us when we are angry. Address the fears rationally and take steps to reduce the risks we fear. Address the pain with compassion and care. And refuse to let drugs and alcohol deaden our feelings and make matters even worse.

While this may all sound simple, it certainly isn't easy. That's why anger is being channeled into harmful behaviors. It seems easier than confronting our own fears and/or pain. When we see other people acting out in anger, we need to remember that they are afraid or in pain and to help them deal with their primary feelings.

It really helps when dealing with an angry person to understand that their primary feelings are not being addressed. It helps to know that if we relate in an empathetic manner that the anger can become more useful by using the energy to create resolutions.

So next time you witness someone's anger, try to imagine what it is that triggers that anger, what fears or pain are they experiencing. And treat them with compassion.

And next time you feel angry, check out your primary feelings and see what you can do to help yourself move beyond the anger to resolve your pain or fear.

Hate, Anger, Violence

There seems to be a lot of hate, anger, and violence in our country right now.  I think it is rather staggering how much is evidenced. It isn't just in the media, even though that is where it is seen so often. It is also in the actions of what are otherwise average everyday people.

This week a friend has been treated with blatant bigotry by workers who have been contracted by her landlord to do work on her rental property. They have been not only rude but also verbally abusive. My friend is afraid that if she complains to the landlord, who is a friend of the workers, she will be asked to leave her home. They don't have a lease and she is disabled with little income.

The workers must be afraid of her different-ness. That is the usual base of bigotry. People too often fear what they don't understand.

Fear seems to rule much of the misbehavior around us. People who are afraid easily become angry, hateful, violent in word or deed. It is a vicious cycle. Too many of us now are caught up in a culture of fear.

We need to break that cycle. More than ever we need to practice kindness. Acts of kindness can mitagate the negative feelings and actions of others. Kindness can create a culture of caring. We need a tidal wave of Random Acts of Kindness.

I'm copying my March 7, 2018 post because it addresses this perfectly. Here it is again:

The Kindness Campaign encourages you to do acts of kindness every day. Some folks have trouble thinking of things to do, at least until they get into the habit of finding ways to be kind. So, if you need some ideas I'll try to list some for you.

Be aware of what others are doing. Who might you assist? Take your time at the grocery store so you can be aware of someone who might not be able to reach the top shelf, or someone who could use help putting their grocery bags into their car.

Is there an elderly person who needs help with something they are no longer able to do themselves? Do you know someone who dosn't have a car and could use a ride?

To whom might you verbalize your thanks for what they do? Be aware of all the things others do to maker life better or easier for someone and thank them for their behaviors. Have you told a wait-staff person thank you for their specific service? Or maybe you see someone in uniform [armed services, or emergency first-responders]. Tell them you are grateful for the work they do. There is a long list of service people that seldom get thanked, or even noticed. Thank your janitor at work and your spouse at home.

Look around wherever you are for little things you might do, like pick up litter, put shopping carts where they belong, re-shelve something that has been dropped on the floor at a store. Put away a family members scattered items when they are having a hard day. Take over a chore from someone who could just use a break.

Drop a card in the mail for someone you haven't seen in a while, or for someone who is ill or having a struggle with something tough. Write a letter to someone who seldom gets mail, maybe an elderly person confined to home or a facility.

Start visiting someone who is in a facility that has few visitors . Even if you have never met, you can make a new friend and make their day.

Invite a friend or two to come for a meal.

Maybe you can baby sit for a busy mom who could just use a couple of child-free hours.

Have you noticed that these acts of kindness are very inexpensive? You don't have to be wealthy to make a difference in someone's life.

Yes, they might take a little time. So slow down a little and make time for being kind.

And I know that you can think of things yourself when you make Kindness your intent. Kindness is contageous. Pass it on.

 

Hate: What Is It Doing to Your Life? To Mine?

Been hearing a lot about hate these days. And seeing a lot of hate behavior. I'm seventy-five years old and I've never seen or heard so much hate.

That doesn't mean hate wasn't busy messing up the world before now. It has. But now it is in my living room, on my computer screen, in my newspapers, almost anywhere I look there is hate.

People with guns parading on the streets of America proclaiming hate is just not what I ever though would happen here.

I know that bigotry and hate are nothing new. But it now seems to have taken on a life of its own and begun to wash over everything. People who hate have been embolden to shout their hate openly, without masks, and wearing weapons.

If you are filled with hate for someone or some thing, it will just eat you alive. It will gobble up your energy and kill your spirit. You will only be able to see things through the window of your hate.

 It would be easy to take on the hate of others, to hate them back. Hating the haters only makes you one of them. You deserve better than that. And the people in your life deserve better than that.

"Hate is: Judgement Directing Anger" [https://personaltao.com/teachings/healing/resolving-feelings-of-hate/] This is an insightful way to examine hate. Anger is at the bottom of hate. And judgement focuses it in the direction of whom or that which we judge.

I'm using "judgement" in the Biblical sense here. We all have to make judgments every day about who or what to trust, of course. But in the sense of judging whether a person is good or evil is a different kind of judgement. When we take on the burden of determining a person's spirit we take on the burden of being a God, and that is indeed a heavy burden.

I believe that people can do evil things. I worked in prisons for nearly twenty years. I worked with men who had done very evil things. But I think I only met two men that seemed to embody evil. And as a therapist there was little I could do to change that. Only spiritual healing can rid evil from a person's soul.

So exploring hate can begin with exploring or examining the anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from fear or pain. It is why you want to curse when you hit your thumb with the hammer. It is why you become angry when you fear losing something important to you. Anger can be used constructively, of course. But hate cannot. Hate only destroys.

And when I see people expressing hate I realize that they are angry. They are angry about perceived loss. They are angry about their suffering. They are afraid.

It seems to me that the best way for us to diminish hate is to address the needs of those folks. They are afraid. They are afraid of losing their power or status or security or identity. They need our compassion. Like children who are angry and afraid they need comfort and courage to confront the changes they are experiencing.  When you meet a child's tantrum with aggression things get worse instead of better. When you discover what the child is afraid of you can better deal with the anger.

Now that doesn't mean we should not call out those who are acting in destructive ways. Of course their behaviors must have natural and reasonable consequences. But it means that we don't have to see them through the lens of hate. And our lives don't have to be destroyed by us taking on their hate.

We are in a very difficult time. We need to keep ourselves safe while we resist the forces against us. We need to keep our inner selves free of hate. And we need to use our anger to resist without violence. Only then can we win over hate.

Who Do You Hate?

I've been examining my own issues during these challenging times. Do I hate? Are there people I hate? What is hate, really?

The word is defined as "an intense or passionate dislike for (someone)." Well, I admit I have an intense dislike for people who are dangerously hateful. Does that mean I hate? I always thought to hate someone meant you dislike them so much that you wish them harm. I don't wish anyone harm. Does that mean I don't hate? Kind of tangled, isn't it? I think I fear those kinds of people, but do I hate them?

I hate behaviors. Do I then hate people who behave in ways I hate? My religion taught me to hate the sin but love the sinner. And I do that. I worked as a Sex Offender Therapist. I never hated my clients, in spite of the fact that they did terrible things to others, did things I hate.

I wonder if we don't confuse anger with hate. We get very angry and think that we hate the one we are angry with. But anger and hate are the same. I can get angry with someone I love. In fact, the more we care about someone the greater the chance for intense anger when they hurt us. Anger is a secondary emotion. It results from pain or fear. We feel angry when we are hurt - emotionally or physically. Thus, the cursing when someone hits their thumb with the hammer! It is fleeting, though, in that case. We feel angry when someone hurts us emotionally, resulting in name calling when you are insulted or betrayed. This, too, CAN be fleeting, if we don't hang onto the anger as a defense.

And we tend to be angry at what we fear. Not always, of course, but it does happen. And this kind of anger often looks like or becomes hate. Consider the fear of losing what you value when change occurs. For instance, the fear of immigrants taking jobs or getting violent, fear of that which we don't understand. It all gets very tangled, indeed.

So, how much of "hate speak" is really "fear speak"? The dictionary defines hate speech as "speech that attacks, threatens, or insults a person or group on the basis of national origin, ethnicity, color, religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, or disability." We've heard a lot of it lately. And when I think about it, it is often based on lack of knowledge about the person or group or on a fear planted by someone else that folks buy into. Like the anti-Muslim hate speech that tries to paint all people of that faith with the terrorist brush. 

We seem to refuse to acknowledge that the majority of terrorist attacks in the U.S. over the years have been by people who identify themselves as Christian. When violence is done in the name of religion in our country the perpetrators are churched folk. Consider the KKK, the neo-Nazi, and anti-gay activists. Then there are the people who shoot doctors who perform abortions and those who burn black churches.  And how much of that behavior is based on misplaced fear? 

Are you as tangled as I am about hate these days? What are your thoughts? Are you able to identify who you hate? I don't even want to hate. But do I?

Comments?

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Do Something About Violence

This is a very broad subject and overlaps other issues, so I will try to look at the violence perpetrated by individuals and supposedly non-militant groups - like gangs, etc.

You may think the times are more violent than ever. We see all kinds of violence every day, over and over.

Bombings, terrorist attacks, shootings, muggings, rapes, assaults, domestic violence, child abuse. We see all of it daily, in our own homes. Now THAT is unusual. I mean, for most of us we personally don't see violence directly. But today we see it in our living rooms on TV, in newspapers, movies, etc. It looks to be the first response to anger too often.

For hundreds of years only certain people were directly involved in violence, either as perpetrator or victim. Soldiers, for instance, were involved in violence. But even for them, when they were not making war, when they were living as civilians, violence was not a common part of their lives,

People then didn't have televisions that daily exposed them to violence. They didn't even have movies that put them in the midst of violent scenes.

Yes, you could read stories that included violence. But not everyone could read. And not every reader chose to read about violence. There was much less exposure to violence than today. And when it did occur, it was shocking.

Today, however, it no longer it shocks. And THAT'S a problem. You see, violence becomes more acceptable and more folks choose it. Violent language no longer shocks as it once did. And words are a powerful influence on behavior.

When I was in high school, sixty years ago, a gun in school was unheard of. Violent language was not tolerated. When boys would occasionally flare up and start a fight, it was not at school. They knew the consequences would be swift. And they never used weapons.

Kids now carry knives, often have guns, and emulate what they see on t.v. Even fashion takes on the look of gangsters. Young people are encouraged to become violent. Is it any wonder that it continues to appear in the news and films? And as violence is so much in the forefront of our experience it is more and more acceptable.

So what can we do about violence? We must address the culture of violence that exists today. Individually and in organizations we must object to violence in all forms. That won't be popular. Are you up to that? Refuse to purchase anything that reflects violence. Refuse to use or to tolerate violent language. And teach anger management that offers better choices of behavior to deal with disputes.

Sounds simplistic, I know. And it won't turn things around in a tight circle. But, remember the drops of water on the stone? And when we teach our children, our family, our friends, and groups we are active in, the importance of these changes the circle widens. And the stone will wear away. 

What changes can you make? What might you be willing to do to reduce violence? What other ideas do you have about it?

 
The Dali Lama said:

Just as heat dispels cold, loving-kindness counters anger. We need to learn how to counter our various emotions. Distraction is just a temporary measure. The longer lasting remedy is to be able to see positive qualities in something or someone you otherwise see as negative. Since there is rarely any justification for destructive emotions, we need to become aware of what gives rise to them and what the antidotes are.