Love the Haters

You can't destroy hate with hate. Only love will break through the hate. But how to love hateful people? When there is hate coming at you from all direction, how do you keep love alive?

That is a current issue that isn't easy to resolve. Keeping love alive is a full time task. We have to make "love" an active verb. Do love. Be kind. Be what you want to see in others.

Don't feed hate by thinking about it all the time. It is easy to close ourselves off in the face of hate, it is our own defense mechanism. But we need to set realistic boundaries and be open to caring about others, even the haters. Love the person and reject the hate.

Compassion for haters is sometimes very difficult. They say and do things that hurt us or others. And it would seem to be logical to cut ourselves off from them. And in some circumstances that is good protection. But while we reject the hateful words or deeds, we need to work hard to not reject the hater, the person acting out their hatred.

Care about them. See the fear that fuels their hatred. See how they refuse to see any other perspective and, therefore, are unable to behave differently. Use patient perseverance to use calming responses without fueling their fear. But you don't have to accept their hurtful behavior. And you don't have to accept their hate.

Listen to what they say. Try to see it from their perspective. Address their fear, not their hate. Are they afraid they will lose something? Are they afraid of change? Do they feel threatened by your perspective?

Hate is usually a result of fear or pain. Try to see that in their belief, their hatred. You don't have to argue, simply state the relevant facts and notice how they deflect and refuse to even look at your perspective. This will tell you that changing them is probably not possible.

Not easy, is it? But only love will overcome hate. And you don't have to continue to engage with them to love them. Be steadfast in your love of others and trust the universe to dissipate their hate. Encourage others to love their neighbors, until there is more love n the universe than there is hate. 

Hate, Anger, Violence

There seems to be a lot of hate, anger, and violence in our country right now.  I think it is rather staggering how much is evidenced. It isn't just in the media, even though that is where it is seen so often. It is also in the actions of what are otherwise average everyday people.

This week a friend has been treated with blatant bigotry by workers who have been contracted by her landlord to do work on her rental property. They have been not only rude but also verbally abusive. My friend is afraid that if she complains to the landlord, who is a friend of the workers, she will be asked to leave her home. They don't have a lease and she is disabled with little income.

The workers must be afraid of her different-ness. That is the usual base of bigotry. People too often fear what they don't understand.

Fear seems to rule much of the misbehavior around us. People who are afraid easily become angry, hateful, violent in word or deed. It is a vicious cycle. Too many of us now are caught up in a culture of fear.

We need to break that cycle. More than ever we need to practice kindness. Acts of kindness can mitagate the negative feelings and actions of others. Kindness can create a culture of caring. We need a tidal wave of Random Acts of Kindness.

I'm copying my March 7, 2018 post because it addresses this perfectly. Here it is again:

The Kindness Campaign encourages you to do acts of kindness every day. Some folks have trouble thinking of things to do, at least until they get into the habit of finding ways to be kind. So, if you need some ideas I'll try to list some for you.

Be aware of what others are doing. Who might you assist? Take your time at the grocery store so you can be aware of someone who might not be able to reach the top shelf, or someone who could use help putting their grocery bags into their car.

Is there an elderly person who needs help with something they are no longer able to do themselves? Do you know someone who dosn't have a car and could use a ride?

To whom might you verbalize your thanks for what they do? Be aware of all the things others do to maker life better or easier for someone and thank them for their behaviors. Have you told a wait-staff person thank you for their specific service? Or maybe you see someone in uniform [armed services, or emergency first-responders]. Tell them you are grateful for the work they do. There is a long list of service people that seldom get thanked, or even noticed. Thank your janitor at work and your spouse at home.

Look around wherever you are for little things you might do, like pick up litter, put shopping carts where they belong, re-shelve something that has been dropped on the floor at a store. Put away a family members scattered items when they are having a hard day. Take over a chore from someone who could just use a break.

Drop a card in the mail for someone you haven't seen in a while, or for someone who is ill or having a struggle with something tough. Write a letter to someone who seldom gets mail, maybe an elderly person confined to home or a facility.

Start visiting someone who is in a facility that has few visitors . Even if you have never met, you can make a new friend and make their day.

Invite a friend or two to come for a meal.

Maybe you can baby sit for a busy mom who could just use a couple of child-free hours.

Have you noticed that these acts of kindness are very inexpensive? You don't have to be wealthy to make a difference in someone's life.

Yes, they might take a little time. So slow down a little and make time for being kind.

And I know that you can think of things yourself when you make Kindness your intent. Kindness is contageous. Pass it on.

 

Hate: What Is It Doing to Your Life? To Mine?

Been hearing a lot about hate these days. And seeing a lot of hate behavior. I'm seventy-five years old and I've never seen or heard so much hate.

That doesn't mean hate wasn't busy messing up the world before now. It has. But now it is in my living room, on my computer screen, in my newspapers, almost anywhere I look there is hate.

People with guns parading on the streets of America proclaiming hate is just not what I ever though would happen here.

I know that bigotry and hate are nothing new. But it now seems to have taken on a life of its own and begun to wash over everything. People who hate have been embolden to shout their hate openly, without masks, and wearing weapons.

If you are filled with hate for someone or some thing, it will just eat you alive. It will gobble up your energy and kill your spirit. You will only be able to see things through the window of your hate.

 It would be easy to take on the hate of others, to hate them back. Hating the haters only makes you one of them. You deserve better than that. And the people in your life deserve better than that.

"Hate is: Judgement Directing Anger" [https://personaltao.com/teachings/healing/resolving-feelings-of-hate/] This is an insightful way to examine hate. Anger is at the bottom of hate. And judgement focuses it in the direction of whom or that which we judge.

I'm using "judgement" in the Biblical sense here. We all have to make judgments every day about who or what to trust, of course. But in the sense of judging whether a person is good or evil is a different kind of judgement. When we take on the burden of determining a person's spirit we take on the burden of being a God, and that is indeed a heavy burden.

I believe that people can do evil things. I worked in prisons for nearly twenty years. I worked with men who had done very evil things. But I think I only met two men that seemed to embody evil. And as a therapist there was little I could do to change that. Only spiritual healing can rid evil from a person's soul.

So exploring hate can begin with exploring or examining the anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from fear or pain. It is why you want to curse when you hit your thumb with the hammer. It is why you become angry when you fear losing something important to you. Anger can be used constructively, of course. But hate cannot. Hate only destroys.

And when I see people expressing hate I realize that they are angry. They are angry about perceived loss. They are angry about their suffering. They are afraid.

It seems to me that the best way for us to diminish hate is to address the needs of those folks. They are afraid. They are afraid of losing their power or status or security or identity. They need our compassion. Like children who are angry and afraid they need comfort and courage to confront the changes they are experiencing.  When you meet a child's tantrum with aggression things get worse instead of better. When you discover what the child is afraid of you can better deal with the anger.

Now that doesn't mean we should not call out those who are acting in destructive ways. Of course their behaviors must have natural and reasonable consequences. But it means that we don't have to see them through the lens of hate. And our lives don't have to be destroyed by us taking on their hate.

We are in a very difficult time. We need to keep ourselves safe while we resist the forces against us. We need to keep our inner selves free of hate. And we need to use our anger to resist without violence. Only then can we win over hate.

How To Combat Hate

The Southern Poverty Law Center (www.splcenter.org)has a mission: combat hate, teach tolerance, and seek justice. It is dedicated to fighting hate and bigotry and to seeking justice for the most vulnerable members of our society. Using litigation, education, and other forms of advocacy, they work toward the day when the ideals of equal justice and equal opportunity will be a reality.

Here are their "Ten Ways To Fight Hate: a community response guide.

1. ACT - Do something in the face of hatred, apathy will be inerpreted as acceptance by the perpetrators, the public, and - worse- the victims. Community members must take action; if we don't, hate persists.
2. UNITE - Call a friend or co-worker. Organize allies from churches, schools, clubs, and other civic groups. Create a diverse coalition. Include children, police, and the media. Gather ideas from everyone, and get everyone involved.
3. SPUPORT THE VICTIMS - Hate crime victims are especially vulnerable. If you're a victim, report every incident - in detail - and ask for help. If you learn about a hate crime victim in your community, show support. Let victims know you care. Surround them with comfort and protection.
4. DO YOUR HOMEWORK - An informal campaign improves its effectiveness. Determine if a hate group is involved and research its symbols and agenda. Understand the difference between a hate crime and a bias incident.
5. CREATE AN ALTERNATIVE - Do not attend a hate rally. Find another outlet for frustration and for people's desire to do something. Hold a unity rally or parade to draw media attention away from hate.
6. SPEAK UP - Hate must be exposed and denounced. Help news organizations achieve balance and depth. Do not debate hate group members in conflict-driven forums. Instead, speak up in ways that draw attention away from hate, toward unity.
7. LOBBY LEADERS - Elected officials and other community leaders can be important allies in the fight against hate. But some must overcome reluctance - and others, their own biases - before theyre able to take a stand.
8. LOOK LONG RANGE - Promote tolerance and address bias before another hate crime can occur. Expand your community's comfort zones so you can learn and live together.
9. TEACH TOLERANCE - Bias is learned early, often at home. Schools can offer lessons in tolerance and acceptance. Host a diversity and inclusion day on campus. Reach out to young people who may be susceptible to hate group propaganda and prejudice.
10. DIG DEEPER -  Look inside yourself for prejudices and stereotypes. Build your own cultural competency, then keep working to expose discrimination wherever it happens - in housing, employment, education, and more.

So what does that mean for you and me? What can we do to combat hate? Leave comments with ideas that you have.

Check my blog post Sunday for some more suggestions.

I Must Confess

I am feeling discouraged.

My life's mission has been to make a positive difference in the world. And I believe that, for the most part, I have lived that way.

But lately I find the behaviors of so many people to be overwhelmingly negative. And I'm discouraged. Last month we saw the movie Hidden Figures. It depicted the way whites in our nation treated blacks for generations. The disrespect, violence, discrimination, oppression of an entire race of human beings continues even today. While it might not be as openly hostile as it may have been a hundred years ago, it still exists. Why?

And then this past week we watched the nine hours of a program on television about the struggle of LGBT people in our nation, When We Rise. It exposed the same kind of disrespect, violence, discrimination, and oppression that was directed toward blacks being directed toward LGBT people. While that too may be somewhat better, that oppression continues. Again, why?

We are all of the same species, yet we treat each other so terribly. People seem so ready to hate and hurt those who are not like themselves. The nation has become more divided rather than less. Violence against Jews, Muslims, gays, transgender persons continues to happen more frequently. Hate is visible everywhere. What will it take for us all to realize that we are more alike than we are different? And that simply being different in some respect does not mean we must fear or hate each other.

I find it overwhelming at times. And it is most discouraging for me. When I consider what little I can do in the face of so much negativity I see my efforts falling way short.

I started this blog with the hope that I could encourage others to join me in making the world a better place for us all. And yet I have no sense that anyone is reading my posts, as I get no feedback. I want to know if the blog is making any kind of difference for anyone but me.

I use it to keep my focus on a better world. I'm just not sure if that is enough of a reason to continue posting.

If you are reading this, and/or other of my posts, I would greatly appreciate your feedback.

Who Do You Hate?

I've been examining my own issues during these challenging times. Do I hate? Are there people I hate? What is hate, really?

The word is defined as "an intense or passionate dislike for (someone)." Well, I admit I have an intense dislike for people who are dangerously hateful. Does that mean I hate? I always thought to hate someone meant you dislike them so much that you wish them harm. I don't wish anyone harm. Does that mean I don't hate? Kind of tangled, isn't it? I think I fear those kinds of people, but do I hate them?

I hate behaviors. Do I then hate people who behave in ways I hate? My religion taught me to hate the sin but love the sinner. And I do that. I worked as a Sex Offender Therapist. I never hated my clients, in spite of the fact that they did terrible things to others, did things I hate.

I wonder if we don't confuse anger with hate. We get very angry and think that we hate the one we are angry with. But anger and hate are the same. I can get angry with someone I love. In fact, the more we care about someone the greater the chance for intense anger when they hurt us. Anger is a secondary emotion. It results from pain or fear. We feel angry when we are hurt - emotionally or physically. Thus, the cursing when someone hits their thumb with the hammer! It is fleeting, though, in that case. We feel angry when someone hurts us emotionally, resulting in name calling when you are insulted or betrayed. This, too, CAN be fleeting, if we don't hang onto the anger as a defense.

And we tend to be angry at what we fear. Not always, of course, but it does happen. And this kind of anger often looks like or becomes hate. Consider the fear of losing what you value when change occurs. For instance, the fear of immigrants taking jobs or getting violent, fear of that which we don't understand. It all gets very tangled, indeed.

So, how much of "hate speak" is really "fear speak"? The dictionary defines hate speech as "speech that attacks, threatens, or insults a person or group on the basis of national origin, ethnicity, color, religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, or disability." We've heard a lot of it lately. And when I think about it, it is often based on lack of knowledge about the person or group or on a fear planted by someone else that folks buy into. Like the anti-Muslim hate speech that tries to paint all people of that faith with the terrorist brush. 

We seem to refuse to acknowledge that the majority of terrorist attacks in the U.S. over the years have been by people who identify themselves as Christian. When violence is done in the name of religion in our country the perpetrators are churched folk. Consider the KKK, the neo-Nazi, and anti-gay activists. Then there are the people who shoot doctors who perform abortions and those who burn black churches.  And how much of that behavior is based on misplaced fear? 

Are you as tangled as I am about hate these days? What are your thoughts? Are you able to identify who you hate? I don't even want to hate. But do I?

Comments?

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Hate at First Sight? Ten Ways to Break the Cycle of Hate

Hate seems to be popping up everywhere these days. What is hate, anyway? And why do we react to it so strongly? Can hate be useful? Is it harmful? Can it be neutralized?

The dictionary defines hate as "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry." While hate is always around, somehow the current intensity is extreme. Is it contagious? Where does it come from?

I think it comes from a society that has become more and more separate. We have become more disconnected, which makes it harder to see others as people just like us. Hate dehumanizes its victims. 

Hate can be in a number of forms - religious hatred, racial hatret, national hatred, ethnic hatred, class hatred, political hatred, and on and on. And it threatens the well-being of all of us. With the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, unbridled hatred can result in horrendous tragedy.

Neuroscience has studied the structures and chemicals in the human brain generating negative emotions, such as hate and fear, with the hope of curbing its terrible influence in the world. This is important because, as we have seen, blasts of hate sweep away civility and tolerance, spurring individuals to commit acts of savagery and pitting group against group in combat that can become vicious and deadly. 911, Orlando's club Pulse, terrorism around the world are examples that are all too fresh in our minds.

Nazi Germany was caught up in it and committed unspeakable acts of torture and genocide. The slaughter of Native Americans in the 19th Century and the oppression and terrorism in the Middle East today are all part of this madness.A history filled with hatred fueled violence is long and bloody: The wars of religion that ripped Europe apart, the Napoleonic Wars, the 75 years of ferocious hot and cold world wars begun in Sarajevo in 1914 through the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. And the cycle of violence may be starting again. It must be rooted out of not only the caves of Afghanistan but also out of the human mind.

Our brains don't come pre-programmed to hate. However, certain fears appear to be innate forms of survival. Fear and hate are closely related, however. When fear becomes chronic we develop hate for that which we fear. Hate becomes an instant response to the feared object. We develop a severe aversion to it. We learn to hate.

Research also suggests that hate develops when people are feeling trapped, overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness. And the more separate we become the less power we seem to have and the easier it becomes to feel trapped.

And how do we approach the task of rooting hate out of our minds? We certainly don't do it by stoking the fires of hatred with hate speech and fear-mongering. We don't do it by dividing people into categories. We don't do it by limiting choices and reducing personal power over one's life. We don't do it by looking at people as "other", as "not us." 

Rush W. Dozier, Jr. in Why We Hate, Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World suggests ten strategies "that, when used in tandem, could prevent hate from ever developing and minimize or eliminate hate where it has taken hold." These strategies are: be specific, empathize, communicate, negotiate, educate, cooperate, put things in perspective, avoid feeling trapped, immerse yourself, and seek justice not revenge. He writes that "each of these strategies is designed to maintain the advanced neural system's control over the darker forces of the primitive neural system and end the vicious cycle of hate."

Let's look at how this might work. 

1. Be specific. Identify any source of anger, pain,or threat specifically. This keeps it rational. This is especially important with children. Rather than a general negative comment help the child see what specifically is involved, with the focus on that rather than labeling the child as deficient in some way. So what is it about someone or something that distresses you and how is that specific to that person or thing rather than lumping into a category that dehumanizes and separates.
2. Empathize. Look at the "other" as "us". Seek to understand the other's thoughts and feelings. Put yourself in their shooes. If you can understand what specifically motivates them, you stand a better chance of reaching accord with them, or at least coming up with the best strategy for outwitting them. Recognize  our common humanity. Refuse to ostracize, stigmatize or demonize the object of your hatred. When we empathize we are not likely to fall into mindless hostility and demonization. The more you exercise empathy the the stronger it becomes. The brain is programmed to learn.
3. Communicate. Simply communicating the specific reasons that you feel angry or threatened can help dissipate negative emotions. Again, it is important to be specific in your communication. If you only talk about your negative feelings in generalities and streotypes [hate speech], anger can be intensified and hatred fueled.
4. Negotiate. Seek to negotiate constructively and specifically toward a resolution of confict and anger. Good two-way communication can help bring about healthy compromise. 
5. Educate - yourself and others. So much of hate and prejudice comes from sheer ignorance. The more specific knowledge about an individual group, or culture you have the less likely you are to buy into stereotypes - the breeding ground of hate. Sophisticated and rigorous education tends to be good for the brain, allowing it to serve as a defense against primitive urges and impulses of violent responses. Education must, however, include empathy, specificity, and other elements of this strategy.
6. Cooperate. Whenever possible, work with others in beneficial ways. This builds bonds of trust to replace feelings of hate. Working with others to achieve a common goal can erase the us-them divisions. 
7. Put things in perspective rather than overreacting. Evaluate if your anger is really worth it or if the threat is really that important. Going thourgh this analytical exercise engages the advanced neural centers of the brain and suppresses the primitive neural system, reducing the "knee jerk" reactivity.
8. Avoid feeling trapped.  Use all the previous steps in this strategy. If you are unhappy in a situation, let people know in a constructive way and negotiate some changes. If you discover there is nothing you can do tho change things, start exploring opportunities elsewhere or put things in a different perspective by redefining the frustrations you feel as creative challenges that could lead you to a new level of personal growth. Exploring frustrations a challenges rather than problems helps you use creative problem-solving skills and your personal power to change.
9. Immerse yourself. Make every effort to seek out opportunities to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. Positive immersion, like cooperation and working toward a common goal, tends to activate subconscious mechanisms that erode us-them divisions and primitive emotions. Children tend to quickly absorb bigotry and hatred in their environment, creating lifelong biological consequences of immersion in a negative environment. This can result in neurochemical abnormalities in their limbic systems, leaving them with a permanent tendency to overreact to threats.
10. Seek justice, not revenge. Vengeance tends to lock us into the past. Grievances are never forgotten and the cycle of revenge and retaliation go on for centuries. Nelson Mandela knew this and created a justice system of forgiveness and restitution for his nation to create peace and greater harmony.

Hate is, of course, irrational and quickly becomes habitual. It is resistant to change. Unlike other habits it is often linked to elaborate rationalizations produced by the advanced neural system. People come to believe passionately the warped meaning systems, fooling themselves into thinking they are being completely reasonable when they aren't. Hate can be delusional. People may honestly believe they are doing the right thing. 

As you can see, reducing and eliminating hate isn't easy. It takes focused and persistent effort. However, if we want a world at peace we will need to work diligently at it.

Consider what you hate, what threatens you, what you fear. Look at it with this strategy and see if it makes a difference. Which step worked best for you?

Well explore these steps in the upcoming posts. Be sure to check back. Or subscribe to my blog and follow as they are published.

*Why We Hate: Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World by Rush W. Dozier, Jr.

Justice through Love

This past Saturday I had the privilege to hear Dr. Lawrence Carter speak at the Christian Theological Seminary Commencement Service in Indianapolis, IN. Dr. Carter is Dean of the Martin Luther King, Jr. International Chapel at Morehouse College and the  Honorary Doctor of Divinity, awarded Saturday, for his impact in helping train leaders for the African American Church.

His topic was "Where the Moral Arc Bends" and he spoke on justice through love. I was thrilled to hear someone at his level of influence espouse the same principles I've been reading and writing about. It is people like Dr. Carter who are making possible the more beautiful world we believe is possible.

He reminded us that "Darkness cannot be overcome by darkness. . . and Hate cannot be overcome by hate." Yes, only light can overcome darkness and only love can overcome hate. If we are to change this culture of hate and violence, we must love those who hate.

Certainly not always easy,  it is what Nelson Mandela used to prevent a blood bath in Africa with a program of reconciliation and forgiveness. It is what the family of the victims of the Charleston, S.C.,church shooting did with  Dylan  Roof, the man who murdered their loved ones. When we respond to hate and violence with more hate and violence, no healing can occur. It is what causes war and more bloodshed.

This doesn't mean that there should be no consequences to the haters, only that justice must be gentle, measured out with love. Harsh punishments create more hurt, more anger, more pain, more violence. Working in prisons all those years certainly convinced me of that. Too many of the men came out of prison with more anger and hate than before they went in.

Dr. Carter works diligently to create equality and respect for all living things. There can be no justice, no peace, when one group of people is valued less than another, when the needs of some are ignored or withheld.

And I loved it when he stated that "anyone who disrespects the earth also disrespects all women." Women are more closely connected to earth, to our Mother Earth. And people who disrespect Mother Earth are destroyers of life itself.

Yes, it was gratifying to hear someone with Dr. Carter's influence to promote peace and justice through gentleness and love.

Today's Daily Dozen To-do List:

• Keep your neighborhood looking its best by promoting a regular neighborhood cleanup day for homeowners.
• To reduce air polution carpool, take public transportation, bike, or walk.
• Use a clothesline to dry your clothes instead of a dryer.
• Make sure your car has a tune-up regularly. Unchecked cars can waste fuel and pollute the environment.
• Use recycled paper. And recycle the paper used in your household.
• Try not to buy foam packing materials or aerosol products.
• Make birdhouses and feeders or other wildlife feeding stations. These could even be sold as a fundraiser.
• Support recycling programs in your school, business, or neighborhood. Analyze the ones already in place and suggest improvementsj.
• Help maintain park, bicycle, and recreation trails. And never litter.
• Clean up the yard of a neighbor who is unable to do that task, who is ill, has had surgery recently, or has had a family emergency,
• Clean up litter on a stretch of road near you. 
• Donate to an organization that supports a healthy environment.